Windswept

This is a short story I passed for our school paper's literary folio. Since I felt like updating my blog, but am too tired from review to actually write anything, I'll post one of my stories instead. Unlike my story in fanfiction.net, this doesn't involve anime at all. ^_^

The gorgeous picture below is from peachysticks on Deviant Art.

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Windswept

Eric closed his eyes and savored the cool, salty breeze and the fine sand between his toes. He liked this place. It brought back fond childhood memories.

“You‘re early.”

Eric opened his eyes. She was here.

“You‘re late,” he replied with a smirk.

The girl giggled. Her laughter reminded Eric of bells, light and tinkling. Careful not to wrinkle her summer dress too much, she sat beside him. “You‘re beginning to look older than me,” she commented.

Eric snorted in amusement and looked at her from the corner of his eyes. “And you haven‘t aged a day since we last met,” he responded. He reached for a lock of her wavy, raven hair and twirled it around his finger. “You looked as if you never even had chemo.”

The girl gave him a bright, cheeky grin. “So, have you snagged any girls lately?”

Eric gave her a pointed look. “You know you‘ll always be my number one.”

The girl gave him a soft, fond smile. “I know.”

Sighing, Eric laid back on the white sand. He idly watched the fluffy, white clouds drift above them. “I think they‘re starting to suspect.”

The girl pulled her knees to her chest and rested her chin between her knees. “Really now?” An amused smile flitted on her lips. She stared at the waves lapping nearby.

Eric lazily closed his eyes. The sunlight was starting to hurt his eyes. “Yeah,” he mumbled. “They must have finally noticed that I always come here.”

The girl brushed a few unruly bangs from his face. “You look troubled.”

Eric locked eyes with her. “Mom and dad are starting to think I‘m crazy.”

“Maybe you are.” The girl laughed.

He sat up. “I just graduated Magna cum Laude at the most prestigious state university in the country,” he stated. “It‘s rather unbelievable if I just lost my mind. And besides, we‘ve been seeing each other for two years already. Don‘t tell me I was crazy for that long.”

“I guess not,” the girl agreed, looking thoughtful. “But I don‘t think they would understand.”

A bittersweet smile appeared on his lips. That was true.

“They‘d probably tell me to stop going here,” he told her sullenly. “I might never see you again.”

The girl looked at him with sad eyes. “Don‘t say that.”

There was a pregnant pause. The ocean breeze, once pleasant, suddenly felt cold and biting.

“I missed you so much. Every single day,” Eric choked out, swallowing a painful lump in his throat. “I don‘t want to lose you all over again.”

The girl gently shushed him. “Little Eric‘s still a crybaby at heart, I see.” She engulfed him into a tight hug. “Don’t worry. As long as you need me, I‘ll be here. I promise.”

Eric felt better. She never broke her word.

When he got home, Eric found his father waiting for him at the living room.

“Where have you been?” he demanded quietly.

Eric made a beeline for the stairs. He knew where this conversation was headed. They‘d had it a couple of times before. “You know where I‘ve been. It’s the same place I go to every month.”

“Your mother and I have heard stories that you‘ve been talking to yourself there. Have you stopped taking your meds again?”

Eric froze mid step. He looked over his shoulder. “It‘s not like you could stop me from seeing her anyway,” he retorted coldly. A few seconds later, his father heard his room slam shut.

Mr. Lopez wearily sat down on the armchair. On the coffee table was a picture of a girl and an even smaller boy building a sandcastle. Both Eric and Carol loved the beach.

Just as he was about to reach out for the frame, it toppled off the table. Picking it up, Mr. Lopez saw a crack over Carol‘s side of the picture. He stared at his daughter’s face. He had always compared her to the summer breeze, carefree and gay. Everyone loved her. Eric, in particular, adored his big sister.

But like the passing wind, she was gone too young, too soon. And Eric’s never been the same ever since.

Outside, the wind picked up. It seemed to hum as it made the dry leaves dance in its wake.

Ingrate

I am known for being cautious. I am wary, I hold my tongue (even if I am simply itching to retort something) and as much as possible avoid people, places and events that may bring me trouble. I play safe to remain safe. I do what is necessary to stay on the good side of people. Because in the long run, if I ever commit something purely humiliating or undignified, or need help on something, I won't have to endure the scrutiny or harsh comments of people. It's rather spineless, now that I think about it, but I don't want my life to be even more complicated than it is already.

I have become even more cautious when I joined the school paper. In DDC, school publication staff seem to have a notoriety that rivals mass murderers or plunderers. Unlike in UP where you can virtually lambast institutions or people as you see fit without severe repercussions, DDC is the complete opposite. You may be part of the media but you feel voiceless. What you write is censored in the sense that you are afraid to say something against the school. Those in State U's who enjoy academic freedom may find it hard to understand why this is so, but when you are in a private college, you are reduced to a powerless student. Powerless in the sense that you can't openly voice out your sentiments or talk back to school officials especially when they are in the wrong. It's a frustrating environment to be in, especially for somebody who has enjoyed so much freedom from UP.

So how censored is Clarion? Really? It's not like we can't write things against the school. We can. But doing so spells a miserable stay. You can get expelled. You can be ostracized. You can be bullied by CIs because when it comes to matters involving DDC's Nursing Department, students and sections are endorsed. If you happen to be on the wanted list, the entire department will know. It's already tough being your average nursing student, how much more so when the CI handling you has a grudge for some damning article you wrote against them. See the picture? Unless you are tough enough to endure such repercussions, it is best to just shut up. That is why in Clarion, news and columns are always pro-DDC. It's disappointing. It's utterly frustrating. But you have to accept it. It's the only way you can get through the harrowing four years in DDC unscathed.

By my standards, I have been a very nice EIC as far as school-based articles go. Never did I slam any department or staff. I have kept my mouth shut instead of complaining about the demeaning treatment students receive from some staff and faculty, about the "palakasan" that pervades in every nook and cranny of the school, about the "Special Section" the Nursing department has set (which, in my opinion, promotes discrimination among students) and of the less than sterling way the school and the Nursing department handles complaints, enrollment, the ring hop and the graduation (utterly disorganized, but hey, I never wrote anything about it). I didn't even write anything about the grade fixing some students had (simply because he was the son of the Academic Director, he passed his NCM when according to CIs, he failed) and the special treatment a few students receive simply because they are known by the staff or faculty, or simply because they know how to smooth-talk their way to getting what they want. There are a lot of things I want to write about but I did not. I'm sad because I didn't have it in me to have the gall EICs were supposed to possess. I have kept quiet. I have sacrificed journalistic objectivity in exchange for passivity to keep myself trouble-free. I was supposed to be the voice of the students, but I have kept silent. But then again, I want to graduate. I do not want, nor need, the additional hassle of the administration or some other school department breathing down my neck.

I write my columns very carefully. I do not want to make public apologies, like my predecessor was forced to do after she inadvertently incurred the wrath of the Nursing dean. Her article was harmless, if you ask me, but somehow, many of the CIs and the dean herself took offense. Roh found herself apologizing for the article she made, since the dean threatened that she would not be able to graduate and that all her awards be stripped.

So who could blame the current staff, me included, for being so sedate over school-related matters?

The Clarion magazine was released late due to internal issues, but I am glad now that it was distributed after graduation. You see, when I came to the Dean's office today to have my PRC application signed one last time, I got the tongue lashing I wasn't even expecting. If the magazine had been released on time, I doubt I would get very far in my PRC papers.

After clarifying that I was indeed the Clarion EIC, she asked me if I had already gotten a feedback from her about the mag. I said no. She then said she was "disappointed" and I was "ungrateful" to the Nursing department. She said that in my column, I took the time to thank the AHSE Department (whom I was a student for two years) but I never thanked the Nursing department. She kept repeating how ungrateful I was and that if she knew I would write something like that, then she shouldn't have allowed me to shift to Nursing. She said I should be thankful because without them, I wouldn't be one step closer to becoming a nurse. She added that I should be careful of the people I acknowledge. I should mention here that I thanked some CIs, but never the department itself.

I just kept quiet because I needed her signature. I never said I was sorry though. I skewed my face so it would seem like I looked pathetic and apologetic. After her 'lecture,' I mumbled my thanks and left.

Really, inasmuch as I wanted to play safe, there just has to be a tiny detail somewhere to do me in. I guess I can't please everybody. But regardless, did she really need to scold me for that? Did she really expect me to prostrate myself like Charm did on her column? Am I obliged to thank the department?

Her reaction to my article was the very reason why I never thanked the Nursing department in the first place. I disliked what she did to Roh (my EIC predecessor). I disliked how she was the only person during the tuition increase forum to strongly oppose an increase in the school paper budget (God knows how much Clarion needed the additional money). I disliked her for belittling our batch (suicidal batch ba...). And I dislike a lot of her CIs because they were either too arrogant, too strict, or did not bother to be helpful when students were virtually chasing after them for signatures on pink books and exhibit forms.

But there are a few CIs whom I respect and regard highly, but that is that. Don't get me wrong though. I am grateful to the department because the things I learned are my stepping stone to a career in nursing. However, I was not obliged to thank them in print. She should not be angry with me because it is my right as a journalist to thank those whom I feel I should thank. It was against my beliefs to thank a department that I am not very fond of in general.

She calls me ungrateful. Maybe I am, in a way. But with the way she acted and responded to such a minor detail, then I do not regret not thanking her department at all.

An Insult to Intelligence

I don't watch local shows, minus the occasional evening news and anime shown on local stations. But other than that, I skip local channels. Frankly, the shows are often repetitive, shallow, cheaply-made, and have drama/soap opera plots recycled too many times (or just plain stupid).

The cable we have hardly has any channels worth watching. There are less than ten channels that I actually enjoy, as the rest are pure crap. If there is hardly anything worth watching in cable, I can only imagine how horribly painful it is to sit in front of the television with an even limited number of channels. Ugh.

Local telenovelas, in all honesty, are utterly stupid. It's an insult to intelligence really. I wonder how most Filipinos could stomach the unbelievable and absurd plot lines, the cheaply made costumes, and annoying characters who must probably suffer from dehydration with all the crying they do on a daily basis.

When Ging was around to take care of Inay temporarily (my grandmum has Alzheimer's), I was exposed to one week of local telenovela. She hogged the television during her stay. Me and my family just watched along, and she probably thought we watched and enjoyed the same brand of entertainment she did. During that time, I spent half the evening rolling my eyes and drinking so much water to drown the sarcasm yearning to escape my lips. I wanted to yell how stupid the shows were. That the plots were so mundane and pathetic I wouldn't be surprised if the viewers' brain neurons fizzled after long exposures to these shows.

But the show that truly annoyed me was ABS-CBN's rehashed TV version of "Princess Sarah." The child actresses who played Sarah and Becky (I think that was the other girl's name...or was it Betty?) were no where near as cute or endearing as Camille and Angelica were in the movie version. That obviously fake curled up mustached of one of the actors annoyed me to no end. And his pathetic excuse for an Italian accent only made me want to hurl knives at him. The set was clearly not set in the 1800s even if they had carriages. Come on, 19th century houses were not designed like that, nor had that kind of furniture. And the costumes were horrid. Who in their right mind would actually wear a bright, shiny orange dress in the Victorian era? Eww. The costumes seemed mismatched. My guess is they were probably assembled together simply because they looked like the clothes of yesteryear, be damned that they don't actually belong to the same period. As long as they look like what people would wear a century or two ago, then it's good enough. Pft. As if that was what people from that time actually wear.

Come on. ABS-CBN earns billions of pesos every year and yet the props and sets on "Sarah" seemed so cheaply budgeted. Just slap on some peasant looking dresses, market place that a three year old could tell is fake, and some little children to endear the audience and you're all set. What happened to quality? Heck, they didn't even research the time period when "Sarah" was set. Ah, but I guess when you're concerned with profits, everything else can be thrown out the window. Quality be damned. Filipinos could not even tell how everything in the show is grossly inaccurate. As long as there are cute children, humor, a bit of teen romance on the side, and a saintly protagonist who gets bullied and pushed around by mean people for no apparent reason, Filipinos will watch. Big companies like ABS-CBN know this and use it to their advantage.

This is why Filipinos get dumber. They are exposed to shows that do not even spend time getting facts right. It is an insult to Filipino intelligence, but the sad thing is that I think most Filipinos don't really mind at all.

The Woes of an EIC

I usually try to keep my temper in check. And I usually do not explode just because I am extremely pissed at someone. They first have to push me...twice, thrice, or even more...before I finally cannot stand it and am forced to confront them straight in the face that I detest their behavior.

Right now, I have a few people whom I would dearly love to get my hands on. If possible, I would want to give them a piece of my mind while they are buried neck-down in hot sand. I shall delightfully watch and listen to their agonized screams while sipping iced-tea and watch with satisfaction as fire ants feast on their pathetic faces. Okay, maybe that's mean. But then again, since I can't really do that in real life, seeing them suffer slow, painful deaths will be left in the anals of my imagination.

My Managing Editor, Vic, is frankly (excuse my course language) a pain in the ass. He knows how important he is in the functioning of the school paper, but he is being a liability more than an asset. He wasn't as bad in the first semester. I sometimes wonder if he does this on purpose just to annoy the heck out of me and some of the senior eds, or this is just how he really is: a bona fide slacker who cares about nothing else but his boyfriend. And yes, that's boyfriend. I didn't spell it wrong.

Really, he knows how important his job is and yet he acts irresponsibly. The least he could do is be professional about it. He joined the paper out of his own free will. wasn't coerced into joining the school paper. And most certainly he isn't the only one wishing to quit just to get rid of all the pressure, scrutiny and busy schedule associated with being part of the school paper. I would love nothing more than to quit, but my sense of responsibility and accountability prevents me from giving up my post.

But apparently that does not exist in Vic's case.

And if that is his normal behavior (to find excuses to avoid his duties, simply disappear when needed and avoid replying to important text messages on purpose) then he should not have entered the school paper to begin with. He should have just quit early on to save us all the trouble instead of setting a ruckus in the middle of the school year by threatening to quit (which is devastating news when there is no other person qualified to replace him just like that).

If I could replace him, I would. Really. Fact of the matter is, no one else is trained for his position. He was the only one trained by the previous Managing Editor in all the functions of that said position. All of us expected him to perform all the tasks delegated to and expected of him. He was capable. And he seemed responsible enough. How sorely wrong we were.

It's frustrating to work with him. So frustrating at times that I want to just tear my hair out of exasperation and cry. But since these actions aren't productive or going to help me anyway, I try to be more rational during these times. I just pop chocolates and think of happy thoughts (like skewering him with a large fork).

There are times when I envy Roh having Jinx as her Managing Editor. You can count on Jinx. She probably had superhuman abilities to have been able to accomplish all the workload Roh piled on her. I don't even assign Vic the same amount of work and yet his performance is dismally slow or unsatisfactory. These days, I need to prod him a couple of times or get extremely pissed off before he does his duties. So stressful.

And what's even worse is he gives off all these excuses or leaves his work unfinished simply to meet up with his boyfriend. I mean, honestly, can't their rendezvous wait until his responsibilities in the school paper are through? That is so damn unprofessional and unfair on the rest of the staff, as he is relied upon to work on action plans so we can have the MONEY for our activities. I'm not even asking him much. I simply want him to be more responsible.

Just this Monday, I stayed up until 1 in the morning waiting for his call because we were supposed to plan for the Christmas party and Christmas outreach. I told him that regardless of what time he came home, he should call me because this was important, as we had limited time to prepare for these. He said he would call at 11 PM, since he'd be home by then (how strange though that he comes home that late as it is a school night and he has classes at 8 AM the next day). But 11 came and gone but he never called. He never even notified me that he'd never call. Never even apologized. Nothing. I could have spent all those hours getting much needed sleep. That was so inconsiderate of him.

And just yesterday, I told him we'd meet at the publication office to discuss on the activities. He came, but he told me he was very sleepy and he had not gone home (geez, I wonder what nocturnal activity he did...). We discussed for an hour, but there were still some areas left to clarify or finalize. He did an action plan. After which, I decided to update our bulletin board. He asked if he could go home since he was sleepy. I told him that it was not my problem since it was his undoing (come on, that's no excuse...and besides, he should accept the consequences of having sex all night), and instructed him to finish all his assignments (which included the long overdue inventory, the project proposal for the Christmas outreach, action plans, venue for the Christmas party...all of which he could have done so a long time ago.)

When I came back, my friend, who had been loitering in the office, told me he had left. Without telling me. On purpose.

Now that got me steamed. Not so much because he had completely bailed on his assignments, but he did not even have the decency to tell me he was leaving. Would it hurt just to inform his superior that he was leaving? I wouldn't really stop him from doing so anyway. I found his behavior infuriating and completely rude.

And right now, he won't even respond to simple text messages asking whether he has actually booked the venue for our Christmas party or not. I am only waiting for a yes or no answer so we can arrange or finalize the venue as we are short on time as it is...But I bet if I were Deo (his BF), he'd reply in a hear beat.

Gugmang giatay. Peste talaga.

The Product of Boredom

I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but having nothing to do is tiring. I kind of miss all the action and stress a usual college semester brings (I swear, I'll take this statement back once the second semester begins).

It's ironic, really. The whole first semester was HECTIC. I was literally pummeled with all my responsibilities in the school paper; tried (and failed) to balance academics and extracurricular activities; received criticisms, censorships and stringent (and often unreasonable) policies from the school administration; maneuvered through the tricky world of college politics; and experienced stress way more than a normal nursing student should. As soon as the first semester ended, I was ready to hit the hay with plans not to wake up until the second semester was halfway through. I was completely burned out.

But right in the middle of sem break (a.k.a. period of laziness and quiet relaxation), I already find myself bored. I think I got too used with being busy and stressed that my body is still adapting with my relaxed and almost stress-free semestral break lifestyle. But the funny thing is I'm too lazy to do things that require me breaking into a sweat, so I just cook, watch TV, surf the net, sleep or read (not in that particular order). But maybe if I get too bored I'd probably do something drastic...like clean my room. Hahaha.

So meanwhile, to pass the time, I decided to do some internet exploring, and hence stumbled into these online quizzes.

Just for the heck of it, I decided to put the results of some of the more interesting quizzes I took .

What mental disorder do you have? Your Result: OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) You have odd obsessions that you cannot seem to control. You may even perform rituals to make you feel better. Counting and continuously obsessing over things happens frequently.
GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder)
Paranoia
Manic Depressive
ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder)
What mental disorder do you have?

I actually agree with the result above. I do have a few compulsions. Hehe. At least being obsessive-compulsive is better than being manic depressive.

What's Your Best Quality? Your Result: Intelligence   Your best quality is intelligence! People like you because you are smart and always make the right decision. Your intelligence also helps you handle tough situations.
Personality
Loving
Ambitious
Out-Going
Sense of Humor
What's Your Best Quality? Take More Quizzes

What does this quiz tell us? That I hardly have a sense of humor. Sniff. I am a serious (a bit OC, slightly paranoid, slightly anxious, slightly homicidal [see quiz at bottom]) person.

Your Language Arts Grade: 100%

Way to go! You know not to trust the MS Grammar Check and you know "no" from "know." Now, go forth and spread the good word (or at least, the proper use of apostrophes).

Are You Gooder at Grammar?
Make a Quiz

Cool. I actually got a great grade in the quiz, and English isn't even my first language!

Probability of killing, 37%

So you have problems with enemies, maybe dont have a high enough self-esteem, or play a few violent videogames. Cutting it a little close there. Try to keep your cool, alright?

Are you capable of killing

Maybe if I snapped one of these days, I really could go on a killing spree. Haha. Joking aside, my "killing probability" isn't even 50% so my staff has no worries of me committing mass murder.

Unsolicited Advice

If there is one thing that I hate, it's condescending people. But what I hate even more are condescending people who just have to rub all of your mistakes in your face and make you feel lowly and embarassed.

Now, there is a reason why I do not go to the administration part of our college. I dislike most of the people there. They are nowhere near accomodating and treat most students like earthworms (and ironically, these are the very same students who provide them with their salaries). If you are not a visitor, a parent, or a PACUCOA accreditor, most likely you'll be given condescending looks or ignored completely. Yep, the administration certainly provides its students with quality service.

Another reason why I dislike going to the administration part of the school is because I don't like bumping into Erick, a previous Clarion EIC. Why don't I like bumping into one of my predecessors? I'm uncomfortable around him. His whole aura reeks of fakeness and arrogance.

So, since you already know why I hate going to the admin, I'll tell you why I got so steamed earlier.

I dragged myself to the admin to have the action plan for our tree planting signed (since my managing editors neglected to follow it up). Dr. Villano's secretary, the woman I disliked since last year (yes, I occasionally dropped by the admin during Roh's tenure as EIC to get action plans signed) was there. And since it seemed she was the only one who didn't look too busy, I approached her, intent on just leaving the action plan there and having another Clarionet fetch it later. I didn't want to stay too long in a place I disliked.However, as luck would have it, she recognized who I was.

I usually take criticisms in stride and try to take them positively as tools for improvement. However, the way she commented on the various typos of Clarion's second issue made me want to grab her by her large, overly-curly hair and have her run over by a garbage truck...a million zillion times.

Secretary: Daghan lagi mali ang Clarion.
Me: Lagi ma'am. *smiles sheepishly* Kulang kasi kami sa oras ma'am eh. Medyo minadali yung issue.
Sec: *throws me a condescending look* That's no excuse. Editor-in-chief pud baya ko sa una...
[Like the hell do I care kung EIC siya dati. Haler. She is in no position to compare our situations. She was no nursing student. She probably had more spare time in college than I ever did...]
Me: Yes ma'am. *plasters on a fake smile*
Sec: Dati nga 1 o'clock na ako makauwi...You should know how to sacrifice...
[If she only knew na 12:30 AM na ako nakauwi sa sit-in. What does she know of sacrificing for the paper? Hell, I skipped History 2 twice in a row just to make sure the damn magazine came out before the semester ended. I come home late most of the time because of Clarion-related activities. I am almost always stressed because of paper-related issues. I skip hanging out with my friends just because of the school paper. I barely have free time because of Clarion. In fact, all my classmates and friends would agree that I probably eat, breath and sleep Clarion this entire sem...Who is she to tell me that I don't know how to sacrifice?]
Sec: Marami talagang mali yung issue niyo.
Me: Yes ma'am. Mali po yung spelling nung "foundation" at "phoenix".
Sec: Oo yun, at marami pa. Tapos yung pictures niyo masaydong dark at lampas [sa margin]. At yung boxes, nag-overlap pa sa text...blah blah...
[She was talking about the editorial part of the mag. Geez, like we could actually control the darkness or lightness of our column pics. And the red vertical bar was actually a design. On the overlapping part, yes, one column had that problem though. But overall, she was pointing out the technical aspect which I had no control over. That is the job of the printing press. Sometimes, it cannot be helped that plates are not positioned acurately.]
Sec: I hope this serves as a lesson. Nakakahiya sa school. Alam mo ba na ang nakapansin pa ng mali [sa cover] is hindi pa dito sa school? Visitor pa galing sa Tacurong. Nakakahiya. Ako pa ang napagsabihan...
[And do you actually think I like seeing those mistakes on the magazine? And don't you think I'm embarassed as well? I was the only one who sat-in at the printing press, and I hardly had time to proof read everything because of the extensive layout changes that had to be done. I had to finish the magazine in less than 24 hours; I was tired, stressed and alone so I could not see all the typos during my sit-in...cut me some slack. If I had been in a better condition, I wouldn't let any typos get pass me... And geez, if this is already a source of embarassment for the school, she should see the humiliating passing rates at the NLE or the tag of "labayanan sa mga bagsak" attained by DDC...And what "lesson" is she yakking about? All I've learned from this incident is to stay away from the admin and that many of the school staff are shallow, condescending and utterly obnoxious.]
Sec: Mabuti naman at maganda ang tanggap mo sa criticisms. Let this be a lesson ha.
Me: *continues to smile that fake smile*

I'm okay with criticisms, but I detested the way she told me about it. I swear, if there weren't any repercussions, I would have done so many nasty, inhumane things to her. If she were so great, I dare her to fill in my shoes and try to manage the school paper with my schedule. I'd like to see if she could do any better.

Thus went that unfortunate admin incident. I cooled off by eating chocolate ice cream at the mall. If I have the chance, I'd probably burn all the second issue mags just to spare me from future crap like this.

Unsent

Dear Someone,

It's been four years. Four years of running away and regretting. Four years of crying in secret. Four years of hiding. Four years of trying to forget. Four years of denial.

But no more. Four years is too long. I have to move on.

The memories of all those years ago are still fresh in my mind. It has kept me from engaging in other relationships. It has made me skeptical. It has turned me cold, bitter. The romantic part of me has died because of that experience four years ago. But it has turned me into a more rational person. I have become stronger, braver and yet I still run away.

The past still stings. I could not face it still. Because despite the good it has given me, it also has chained me. I cannot move on. There isn't a day that I have not thought of what could have been if I had not been so foolish. Maybe if I made better decisions, if I did not entertain such childish follies, then perhaps I could have attained my dream of graduating at the most prestigious state university in the country in the course I have always wanted. But we cannot turn back time. And I cannot undo what has already been done.

You do not know how much it hurts every time I think of what I left behind. All you think is yourself, how you could keep me caged so you could be happy. Your "love" is not love at all but an obsession. But you don't know that. You are selfish. I have left friends, classmates and my dreams behind because of what you did. But you don't know that. You are so wrapped up in your own emotions, your needs that you failed to realize you are already hurting other people.

December is supposed to be the time of celebration, but every time it rolls around, I cannot help but think about what happened. You did not have to get my family involved. It was supposed to be a matter between the two of us. But you are a coward, and you chose the cowardly, conniving way. That was the saddest Christmas I had. Did you even know that I wanted to die that Christmas Eve? Of course you didn't. All that matters to you is yourself.

Because of you, I no longer believe in stuff like true love, lasting relationships and happily ever after. You have taught me the grim reality of what relationships could be like. You have shattered my high school fantasies on romance and replaced it with fear and dread.

That's why I prefer to be single, and remain single. I do not want it to happen again. It's an experience I do not want to repeat.

You know, I have blamed you all along but I have come to realize that I too am partly to blame. I am not as emotional or as sweet as you would have wanted. I lose my temper easily. I am moody. I stand up to you when you tell me not to go near a boy. But still, what you did was unjustifiable. I did not deserve that. Nobody deserved that. You do not instill fear and blackmail just to get what you want.

But thanks to you and what you did, I have found a greater appreciation of life. I have learned to appreciate and love my family more, cherish my friends more, lower my pride and keep everything else in stride. The experience has left me broken but I am picking up the pieces. It has humbled me, so now I am thankful for all the blessings God given to me and to everyone I love. I want to thank you for that.

I sometimes wonder how you are doing. Whether you are successful or miserable, in a relationship or alone. I hate you still, I will admit. What you did to me and my family will never be forgotten. But, at least, time has a way of easing the pain.

Four years is enough. Life must move on. I have to move on.

I am happy now. And I hope it stays that way.