It’s been almost a month since I graduated. As far back as elementary, I have always looked forward to finishing college. Back then, it meant freedom from assignments, from terror teachers and from hours of boring lectures. When high school rolled in, the goal of finishing tertiary education seemed within reach. Just a few more years, I told myself and I’d be rid of extra-curricular activities, interschool competitions, and the stress of academics. Finally, when college came, I could almost grasp the diploma just beyond the horizon. It had been a long and grueling academic experience. Almost two decades, as I had shifted courses and began from scratch in college.
Back to the present. I’ve finished a baccalaureate degree. I have my diploma. However, I seemed to have expected too much from graduation. After doing overtime in college, I had thought I would be one of the few people in the graduation ceremony to be actually teary eyed and bask in all the graduation-related bliss. Unfortunately, the graduation day fantasy I had been replaying in my head since time immemorial never really materialized…or maybe my expectations were a little too fantastic to be real. I found myself thinking how my graduation was rather anticlimactic. I was excited, but it was not the same excitement I had pictured myself all those previous times before. I didn’t cry. I wasn’t deliriously happy. I didn’t even throw my graduation cap come the end of the commencement program. I felt…wala lang. It was as if it were just another normal event, and not some life changing, memorable, ecstasy-filled occasion I would remember as long as I lived. I’m a bit disappointed, to be honest.
I don’t really know why I was felt rather detached from my graduation when it is one of the few events I have been waiting for. Maybe partly because deep down I could still not reconcile the fact that I could never be a UP grad. Or maybe because I have little love for the college I had to call my Alma Mater. Or maybe it was due to me not being able to take post-graduation pictures with my friends as we had lost each other in the large crowd.
Whatever the reason for my less than sterling view of my graduation day, still, I am happy and content that at least I graduated. I would now be less of a burden to my parents since they don’t have to worry about paying exorbitant tuitions. I would now be able to find work so I can take care of my family. I would now be able to make a difference, however small, in the world.
But in perspective, all those goals still feel like years away from obtaining. I still have exams to pass, experience to attain and a lot more expenses to shell out. The future seems a lot more intimidating because it’s not as predictable as when I was still studying. While schooling, you get used to the usual paces. You wake up, attend classes, go home, study, make projects, sleep. It’s all very predictable and safe. You know what will happen next because you are still in the safe cocoon of education. But after graduation, there is a sense of insecurity. The future isn’t as constant as it was before. You don’t know what’s going to happen next. Will you find a job? Where will you apply for work? Will you like your work? Will you be satisfied with your employment? These are some of the stuff you can’t help but ponder after you’ve gotten your diploma.
I am now one of the thousands of unemployed in the Philippines. I have a degree and yet I am still dependent. But I, like all the other fresh graduates out there, have the potential to earn a lot and make a difference in the world. It’s a paradoxical stage. It really is up to the person if he or she is determined enough to succeed. And I will succeed, darn it!
Right now, I’m reviewing for the nursing board exams. I’m apprehensive and excited at the same time, but mostly it’s the anxiety that’s gnawing me.
But I’m optimistic.
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