The Filipino Facade

"There is a quality even meaner than outright ugliness or disorder, and this meaner quality is the dishonest mask of pretended order..."

- Jane Jacobs

I don't know about other cultures, but Filipinos are very concerned on how they are viewed by other people. You see, Pinoys are very particular about maintaining a respectable, immaculate public image. Most families, especially those traditional ones, are very keen on this aspect and will go to great lengths to maintain that public image of a model family and an ideal home. Filipinos, you see, have this "hiya" (shame). The opinions of neighbors, relatives and other people matter so much that sometimes even personal happiness is put in the line just to maintain that outward appearance of perfection.

My group mate, Ate Marj, just happens to be one of those people.

Before, I viewed Ate Marj as having the perfect family with a loving, caring husband and wonderful children. Her husband had four children from his previous marriage. So in addition to their four children, Ate Marj also has four stepchildren to take care of. Regardless, her stepchildren and biological kids love her. Her stepchildren are all successful, each with jobs in Manila or Davao. Her own biological children are her source of pride, and she never reports any problems with them. When we come over to her place for school projects (since they have a big house), she and her husband are always sweet. They seem so happy and content with each others' company.

It was only a few months ago when I realized things were not as perfect as they appeared to be. Ate Marj wasn't really happy. She may smile and give off that air that everything was fine and in order, but in reality, her home life was far from it.

For starters, her husband is a bum. He doesn't have any work, which is rather surprising since he has 8 children all in all. So where do they get all the money? Ate Marj's family in the US provides them with their expenses. Ate Marj narrated (when her guard was down) that her husband has never even bothered to find work. He has engaged in different small-time businesses, all of which never really took off because his lack of management and eventual lack of interest. All he does is sit around the house, watch TV or play with their pet dogs. He does not even cook, do the laundry or even do the most menial household chores. Ate Marj, after coming home from school or duty, does all of this.

This piece of information really made my blood boil. How could a husband be so irresponsible? With so many mouths to feed, doesn't he even feel ashamed or guilty that he could not even provide for his family? But with Ate Marj's story, I highly doubt it. This is a man who has gotten so used at manipulating people that he isn't even the slightest bit guilty of not having a job or helping out at home.

Honestly, when I heard this, I wanted to march over and punch her bastard of a husband senseless. But at the same time, I wondered how Ate Marj could put up with this. Why she has spent 18 or so years tolerating her husband's behavior is beyond me. She said that she had this vision of an ideal family, and she did not want other people to see the cracks in the marriage, so she continues to paint that outward appearance that there are absolutely no problems at home. Frankly, if that was my husband I would have left him a long time ago. But I guess Ate Marj wants to keep on believing that she could still attain her dream of a perfect family so she persists. And besides, she admits, it is embarassing for friends and neighbors to know. And if you're asking if her own family knows about this, yes, they do. In fact, Ate Marj's mom has been constantly telling her to leave her husband, but Ate Marj has not done so.

And if her husband isn't problem enough, one of her sons in high school is even a kleptomaniac. The problem has gotten out of hand that, at one time, when our classmate Sioti spent the night at Ate Marj, he suddenly found his wallet missing. It was later traced that it was Ate Marj's son who took it. Now this was not the only incident wherein her son's habit of taking things that did not belong to him happened. Sioti advised Ate Marj that it was time to discipline him, so this time, they took her son to the police station. It was merely a ploy to make her son learn that stealing was unacceptable. They were not really going to have him jailed, just make him realize that stealing had such consequences. Much to Ate Marj's inner pain of watching her son behind bars, her outward appearance remained stoic and resolute. At first, her son did not seem to care at all that he was being punished, but eventually he began to cry and they took him back home. I don't know if that was too harsh, but I guess you need to do something drastic once in a while if you want children to learn. Her son had to learn that stealing was not okay, that it could eventually land him in jail for real if it continued. I don't know if his case of kleptomania has persisted, though. I'm hoping it has ended there, for their sakes.

But back to Ate Marj's husband. I feel sad for Ate Marj for having such a difficult, manipulative and bum of a husband. I wonder why she could not leave him. As far as I'm concerned, he is just excess baggage on her life, leeching on her and making her miserable. But she could not leave him, she says, because she feels sorry for him. After all, if she left, where would he go? He has no work, no money and basically no one to support him if she left. His children all loathe him for being irresponsible and jobless. And then there is still that "hiya" thing going. It's embarrassing for friends and other relatives to know that she left him because all this time he was actually a bum who did not even bother to find a job to support his family; that all this time it has been she who has been keeping the family together. And besides, inasmuch as Ate Marj likes the idea of leaving him, she couldn't because she still loves him.

I can only sigh. I don't know how long Ate Marj will continue to be a masochist for a man who only uses her for his own gain. I don't know how long Ate Marj will continue to be blind to reason. Sympathy, shame, and love has trapped her in a marriage that she isn't really happy in. It's sad. I wish I could do more, but being younger than her, I doubt she would listen.

Ate Marj prays all the time. I do hope that prayer gives her the strength and the wisdom, so later on, she will be truly happy. Not simply pretend to be happy.