The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi: The Endless Eight Conclusion

Yes, yes, yeeeeeess.

Thank the heavens that whole time-looping, insanely (and unnecessarily) long arc of this anime is over. It's over, people! (Okay, so this episode was released weeks ago so my announcement may not be timely and all, but whatever.) Please excuse me as I bounce around my room in celebration of this epic, mind-blowing development.

Finally, this frustrating, drawn-out arc which offered no story development in the last six episodes finally comes to a close. I'm not going to say "It's about time, too!" because quite frankly, the anime studio should have wrapped up this crazy arc four episodes ago. In short, this whole arc was a waste of allotted episodes for the second season and went on way longer than it should have. I wondered how the voice actors coped with reading the same script over and over again (it must be boring as heck).Whoever said "Patience is a virtue" should really try sitting through this entire arc. I bet they'll have a mental breakdown by episode six or seven. It just goes on and on and on...

So on to episode nine, the finale of this "Endless Eight" arc. Knowing this was episode that concludes this excruciating arc, I tried to enjoy (for the last time, thank goodness), the summer fun the SOS Brigade went through. Try as I might, after watching it all those times before, it's really hard to enjoy it now. All I wanted to know was how the time-loop actually got broken and it took a lot of willpower not to fast forward the episode. I was even hoping that since this was the last episode of the arc, the anime team would have incorporated something new, like a deviation in their conversations or activities, but alas, I was a fool to even hope for that. I guess that was asking too much from an anime team that hardly changed anything in the past seven episodes. On a more positive note, Asahina was still cute when she narrated how she couldn't get back, and it was still funny how she would insert "classified information" on stuff that were supposed to be censored, top-secret, future-related stuff. But other than that, you can skip the entire episode and just head on over to the last five minutes. I guarantee you won't miss anything.

Kyon just managed to stop Haruhi from exiting the restaurant in the nick of time by declaring that the brigade come together to finish their summer homework at his place. When I found out that this was the anticlimactic solution, the only coherent thing that popped into my mind was, "That's it? That's IT???!"

Seriously, the anime left the audience waiting for like seven episodes to reveal such a simple resolution? I could only roll my eyes. And what's even more disappointing, the episode didn't even give an appreciable airtime on how the brigade spent their last day of summer doing homework, only a brief passing courtesy of Kyon's flashback(when they spent the seven earlier episodes earnestly going through all the other summer activities the rest of the viewers would rather not see ever again).

But then again, I liked the ending with Kyon and Koizumi alone at the clubhouse, musing at the remarkable amount of repetitions they went through and Kyon realizing that the deja vus were hints from himself in the past loops that offered the solution on how to break the neverending cycle. The two boys play poker with Kyon unexpectedly winning in the end. He tells himself that if this day were to ever repeart, he hopes that he would place a bet next time (since Koizumi always wins.)

I would have appreciated this ending more had it been not for the excessively unneccessary episodes. But what's important is that this arc has ended, and that's enough for me to breath a sigh of relief.

The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi: The Endless Eight Arc

I know, I know.

The Endless Eight Arc from the above mentioned anime series ended during mid-July, if I'm not mistaken. But since this is the first time that I have finished the truly agonizing eight episodes of this anime's second season, allow me to rant (for my sanity's sake).

I've read that the ninth episode contains the actual ending of this seemingly neverending arc, but I could not resist anymore. It was either swallowing glass shards or resorting to updating my neglected blog. Of course, this was the less violent and far less painful catharsis.

Firstly, I'm a fan of the Haruhi Suzumiya first season. Sure, Haruhi could be bossy, annoying and unreasonable in her demands on some occasions (okay, most of time). But still, the twists, turns, humor and wit of the series drew me in, like legions of other anime viewers. It wasn't your average anime. Come on, time-travelers, ESP-ers and UFOs against the backdrop of an average Japanese high school make for a great story, especially when you throw in a girl who could unknowingly bend reality any which way she chooses. And then there's Kyon, poor, ordinary, bored Kyon who gets sucked up into Haruhi's weird schemes. Cue in time travel, UFO technology, time paradoxes and complications of reality bending and you've got one kick ass show. The first season was a blast and I was disappointed back then when I thought this was the only time the light novels were going to get animated (I've read some, but not all...I've got a short attention span as you may have already noticed).

So then on to season two. Weee. However, my glee was short lived.

Okay, season two started okay. The Tanabata episode was funny and it got me excited. Surely, with such a great first season, the second season would no less outdo its predecessor. How wrong I was.

Episode two introduced us to the adventures and activities of the SOS Brigade during their summer break. It was fun to watch them goof about. They went to the pool, picked out kimonos for the summer festival, attended the O-bon festival where Yuki got herself a mask and Haruhi and Asahina got themselves goldfishes, played with fireworks, caught and released cicadas, distributed balloons in frog costumes, went stargazing...okay, you get the picture. But seriously, the eight "Endless" episodes were enough to burn all of the SOS' summer activities into my memory. I'm afraid I shall probably remember with vivid clarity even their dialogues for the rest of my life (shudder).

Then episode three came, which was basically a rehash of episode two, but with the gang wearing different attires. So then we realize they are stuck in an endless summer thanks to Haruhi's powers. I was amazed at how many thousands of times they repeated practically everything. I was even sympathetic at Yuki for being the only one to consciously experience the summer loop. Man, I could only imagine how she felt. But this was only the second episode of the Endless Eight Arc. Little did I know I would actually be in Yuki's shoes with how the anime studio churned out the succeeding episodes.

Then episode four rolled about. Same old, same old with minor deviations in dialogue. Okay, I could handle that. It was part of the plot, I told myself. It was merely an emphasis that the summer could truly be endless, or a way to make the audience see Yuki's point of view of the never ending repetition of events. But I couldn't help being bored...and a little frustrated...and a little incredulous that the anime practically repeated the same episode...but I was still patient.

When episode five came about and no resolution was achieved at the end...AGAIN, I was getting more frustrated. I mean, this was watching basically the same episode (with very minor changes in costumes and dialogue) four freaking times already. I wanted to hit Kyon in the head for not doing anything or at least throw the PC off an extremely sharp cliff. Because of this, I laid off the Haruhi Suzumiya anime for a few weeks.

And now, out of boredom, I decided to watch the second season again with the hope that perhaps episode six would bring me the resolution I was waiting for. But unfortunately, the anime team wanted churned out the same episode. I wanted to hit my head against a brick wall. This was all too frustrating. I am certain the second season could be a terrific means of torturing anyone with all the unnecessary repetition episodes.

So by episode seven, I had already anticipated that it would be another rehash of the same old, same old so I took to reading a random manga online and let the anime streaming play in the background, kind of like background noise. I would glance at it every five minutes or so for any new developments, find none, and resume reading, waiting patiently for the ending credits to roll. Seriously, the anime team must be running out of ideas if they are willing to replay an identical episode every week. Their writers may have gone on strike or got abducted by time travelers, aliens, or ESP-ers, take your pick. Whoever thought that repeating practically the same episode every week for almost two months should be buried alive or be given an acid bath...or be forced to see these mind-numbing episodes 15,000+ times or until their neurons turn to goop, whichever comes first.

And then we have episode eight. I was crossing my fingers. Come on, no decent anime studio would do another repeat, right? That was a rhetorical question. After six episodes of the same content, were you expecting something else? Duh.

Tomorrow, I'll probably be watching episode nine. It's the resolution episode, I've read. However, given the sheer frustration and chore of going through the seven previous episodes, I'm not the least bit excited of seeing it. The initial itch of seeing the resolution vanished a looong time ago, along with constant Kyon's disinterest of actually putting his foot down and actually doing something to end the freaking Haruhi-induced timeloop.

The momentum that the anime studio planned on building is gone. Okay, episode two introduced the new arc, so no problem with that episode. One or two repeats would have sufficed, to be honest. It is stupid to leave the audience hanging for an insanely long period of time, especially when the succeeding repeats hardly offered something new. Maybe if they performed some of the other deviations Yuki mentioned, omitted some activities or did a new summer job stint, then the other repeat episodes would have come out bearable. But no. If that is some sort of artistic license or some new, refreshing way of telling a story, it certainly is not working for me.

For those who have yet to see the second season of the Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, these are the only things I can say: if you can stomach watching the same thing over and over again, be my guest. But really, the first season is way, way, way better and you should not bother with the second one unless you are bored and you want to induce coma on yourself. However, if you are really adamant on seeing it, skip episodes three, four, five, six, seven, eight and spare yourself the agony, frustration and the urge to get a ticket to Japan to personally murder every last one of the anime staff for ruining a completely great series.

Torpedo

Note: Yeah, I know I was supposed to do some anime reviewing, but I got lazy and distracted. Do forgive me. Anyways, as a means to update my blog, I'm posting another story which I passed for my college's literary folio. Although my forte is English, the story is written in Filipino, with a sprinkling of Visayan here and there. It's my first story written in Filipino, and although it was quite a challenge to write, I was pretty happy with how it turned out. ^^

And as for the lovely picture below, credit goes to Phantasmicbunny on her "Hot Gimmick" fanart.

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Torpedo

“Tanga-a jud nimo Kaye uy,” sinabi ko sa aking sa sarili. Gusto kong iuntog ang ulo ko sa poste kaso baka isipin ng mga tao na nasisiraan na ako. Baka nga. Hay, naku.

Kulang na lang ay mag-iiyak ako sa kamalasan na nangyari ngayong araw. Biruin mo ba naman, nakalimutan ko ang assignment sa Philosophy, nadapa ako sa school atrium sa harap ng maraming tao dahil late na ako sa Math, tapos ngayon bumagsak pa ako sa long quiz sa calculus.

“Okay ra na, ‘ter,” kunswelo sa akin ni Terry, ang kabarkada kong katabi. “Makabawi pa lagi ka.”

Di ako umimik. Ang mata ko ay nakatutok kay James na ngayon ay natutulog nang mahimbing sa sulok ng klase. Tinutulog-tulugan niya lang ang calculus pero na-perfect niya pa ang quiz. Asa ang justice ana?!

Hindi lang matalino si James, campus crush pa siya. Ang forever dean’s lister. Ang silent and mysterious type. Ang lalaking pinagdududahan namin ni Terry na bakla kasi walang interes sa mga girls maski anong pagpapa-cute na ginagawa sa kanya sa campus. Mga kawawang nilalang.

Napatingin ako sa bintana nang may marinig akong kulog. Sana hindi umulan. Wala pa naman akong payong. Dali-dali kong kinolekta gamit pagkatapos ng klase pero ‘di pa ako nakakalabas ng classroom ay bumuhos na ang ulan. Napabuntong-hininga na lang ako habang inilawit ko ang aking kamay sa labas ng waiting shed. Hinayaan kong mabasa ng malalaking patak ng ulan ang aking palad. Ang lakas ng ulan. Pero parang ‘di pa yata nakontento ang kung sinong nagkukulam sa akin dahil bigla na lang may nakabangga sa akin sa likod. Buti na ‘di ako dumiretso sa putikan.

“Pagbantay pa gud!” naiinis kong nasambit sabay lingon sa likuran. Namatay sa lalamunan ko ang iba pang mura nang makita kong si James pala yun.

Inayos niya ang kanyang glasses at tinitigan ako ng masama. Parang ako pa yata ang mali. Antipatiko rin pala si Mr. Perfect. Wala yatang balak mag sorry.

Tinalikuran ko na lang siya. Sa halos mag-iisang taon naming pagiging classmates sa minors, ni isang salita ay wala kaming nabitawan sa isa’t-isa. Ayaw ko rin siya kausapin, baka kasi matameme lang ako sa kanyang pagka-genius.

“Wala kang payong, ano?” bigla niyang tinanong.

Napakurap na lang ako nang may bigla siyang ipinukol sa aking mga kamay. Itim na folding umbrella.

“Basahin mo,” ang dali-dali niyang sinabi bago siya sumugod sa ulanan.

Binuksan ko ang payong para habulin siya. Bakit niya binigay sa akin ang payong niya at nagkakaripas sa ulanan? At anong babasahin? Di kaya dapat libro ang kanyang ipahiram, hindi payong? Nakaka-ilang hakbang pa lang ako nang may pumigil sa aking boses.

“Pabayaan mo na yun,” wika sa akin ni Adrian, ang isa sa mga kakilala kong kabarkada ni James. “Hindi mo rin mahahabol yun. Umuwi ka na, Kaye.”

Napatingin na lang ako paibaba at sinundan ang isang maliit na papel na inaaanod ng tubig.

Kinabukasan, nag-aalinlangan akong lumapit sa kanya. “Adto na uy,” sambit ni Terry, sabay tulak agad sa akin sa direksyon ng kinauupuan ni James. “Ako gikapoy tan-aw sa imo. Di lagi to mamaak.”

Iniabot ko kay James ang kanyang payong at pinasalamatan siya ng tahimik. Wala man lang ka-reareaksyon. Tiningnan niya lang ako, parang may hinihintay.

“Nabasa mo?” bigla niyang tinanong nung aaksyon na akong babalik sa silya ko.

“Ang alin?”

Sumimangot siyang bigla. “Wala. Kalimutan mo na,” nayayamot niyang sabi bago ako talikuran.

Natatawang tinapik siya ni Adrian sa balikat. “Sabing lakihan mo pare, eh.”

Sa kalagitnaan ng calculus, ‘di ko mapigilang magduda na may nakatingin sa akin. Eksaktong pag tingala ko sa notebook ko, nagbangga ang mga mata namin ni James. Sinimangutan niya akong muli bago siya lumingon sa ibang direksyon. Ang sungit naman ng lalaking ito. Sarap upakan.

Bumuhos na naman nang malakas ang ulan pagkatapos ng klase. At katulad ng kahapon, nakalimutan ko na naman ang payong ko kaya ayun, stranded na naman ako.

“Wala ka pa rin bang payong?”

Hindi ko na kailangang lumingon para malaman na kay James ito nagmula. Hindi ako umimik. Iniabot niya ang kanyang payong sa akin.

Tinitigan ko lang ang payong. Kanina, ang sungit niya sa akin, ngayon, asal anghel naman siya. Menopausal siguro ‘tong taong ito.

“Kunin mo na sabi eh,” wari niya. “Mahirap nang mabasa sa ulan.”

Nag-aalinlangan kong kinuha ang payong.

Ngumiti siya sa akin. Sa ’di maipalwanag na dahilan, bigla akong nag palpitate. “Basahin mo,” bigla niyang inutos bago isinukob ang hood ng jacket niya at sumugod sa ulanan.

Napangiwi ako habang tinitingnan ko siyang umalis. Tinitigan ko ang payong. Niyugyog. Pinaikot. Binuksan ito at ineksamin. Ni isang design o letra wala. Itim lang talaga siya na payong.

Nang nagsisimula na akong magduda na inuuto lang ako, isang maliit na papel ang nakita kong nakasiksik sa wire ng payong. Aabutin ko na sana nang bigla itong tinangay ng malakas na hangin. Nahulog ito sa basang lupa. Dadamputin ko pa sana nang may napadaan at naapakan ang papel. Kung ano man ang laman nun, hindi na siya mabasa dahil natabunan na ng tubig at putik.

Oops. Patay.

“Sorry sa kodigo mo kahapon,” mahina kong sinabi pagbalik ko ng payong kay James kinabukasan.

Napatingin sa akin ng matalim si James. “At bakit naman ako magbibigay ng kodigo sa ‘yo?”

Gusto kong umatras. Nakakatakot ang aura na nanggagaling kay James ngayon lang. “Um, ano, n-nahulog kasi sa putik…” nauutal kong ipinaliwanag. “Pero sa laki nung papel para kasi siyang kodigo…Ano pala yun?”

“Wala yun,” sabi niya sa tono na parang asar. “’Di mo na kailangang malaman.”

Sa tabi niya, napahalakhak si Adrian at tinapik ang kanyang balikat na parang pakunswelo. “Give up ka na ba? Ikaw kasi, napakator--”

Hindi na natapos ni Adrian ang kanyang dinadakdak. Bigla siyang tinapunan sa mukha ni James ng hard bound na History book na naging sanhi ng kanyang sandaling pagkawala ng ulirat.

Tumunog ang bell. Kakatapos lamang ng klase.

“Oi, Kaye.” Bigla akong napalingon at nakitang papalakad sa akin si Adrian. May dinukot siya sa kanyang backpack. “Pinabibigay ni James,” wika niya sabay pakita ng itim na payong. Napansin ko agad ang maliit na card na nakatali sa may handle nito.

Lumingon ako sa mga bintana. “Pero wala namang ulan.”

Nagkibit-balikat si Adrian. “Malay ko ba dun. Nautusan lang ako.” Bigla siyang ngumiti, para bang may nalalamang scandal. “Pero di ba gusto mong malaman kung anong gusto niyang ipabasa sa ‘yo?” Itinuro niya ang maliit na card. “Eto na ang pagkakataon mo.”

Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay pero kinuha ko pa rin ang payong. Pagbasa na pagbasa ko pa lang ng card, biglang sumurot ang dugo ko.

Naabutan ko si James sa may shed, mag-isang nagkakalkal ng bag niya.

“Anong ibig sabihin nito?!” galit kong sinambit pag dating ko sa harapan niya. Kasing kulimlim ng kalangitan ang aking mukha.

Napatingin siya sa akin. “Ikaw pala ang kumuha ng payong ko. Akala ko si Adrian.”

Mas lalo akong nairita. Hinalbot ko ang card sa payong at iwinagayway sa mukha niya. “Bastos ka talaga!” Gusto ko siyang ihulog sa bangin o ipakain sa mga piranha. “Ang kapal mo! Manyaaak!”

Sumimangot siya. “Ano bang problema mo?” May gana pa siyang umarte ng inosente. “Nahihibang ka na ba? At ano ‘to?” Kinuha niya ang card at binasa ito ng malakas.

“Let‘s have sex, baby. I know you want to.
Love, James.”

Nanlaki ang kanyang mga mata. Sa hitsura, mas mapula pa siya sa kamatis.

“ANAK NG TOKWA! ADRIAN, GUNGGONG KA TALAGA!” sinigaw niyang bigla. Sa lakas ng boses niya, nagliparan ang mga ibon sa kalapit na puno. Sinundan niya pa ito ng iba pang mura para sa kanyang kaibigan. Nilamukos niya ang card.

Natigilan ako. “H-hindi ikaw nagsulat nun?” Ngayon ko lang siya narinig magmura .

Hindi niya ako matingnan ng diretso. “Hindi,” halos pabulong niyang sagot. “Hindi ko ‘yan handwriting.” Napansin kong biglang namamalat ang boses niya. Isinuot niya ang kanyang cap para maitago ang kanyang mga mata. “Isa pa…bakit ba ako magsusulat ng ganun ni hindi ko nga masabi harap-harapan na gusto kita?”

Hindi ako makapaniwala. Halos umabot sa lupa ang baba ko sa gulat.

Napabuntong-hininga siya at binigyan ako ng pilit na ngiti. “Kalimutan mo na ‘to. Sorry talaga sa istorbo.” Inayos niya ang kanyang backpack. “Sige, Kaye.”

Nagsimula nang umambon. Binuksan ko ang payong at hinabol si James. Isinilong ko siya. Hindi maitago ang gulat sa kanyang mukha. Mas gwapo pa pala siya pag namumula.

Hindi ko mapigilang ngumiti. “Ang taas ng IQ mo pero ang baba naman ng EQ.”

Tuluyan nang bumuhos ang ulan pero hindi ko na ito inalintana.

“Mahirap nang mabasa sa ulan,” sinabihan ko siya.

Isang matamis na ngiti ang dahan-dahang dumapo sa kanyang labi.

Anime Insanity: The Preview

Okay, since I have got nothing much to do these past couple of days, I have spent most of my time downloading and watching anime. You see, during the olden years of college, especially in my third and fourth year in nursing, I have become so busy with extra-curriculars and academics that there was hardly any room for anything else. The school paper alone was a handful, and to top that, I am usually the person in charge when it came to group projects and paperworks, academic-wise(blame it on my obsessive-compulsive personality).

So, anyway, now that I've got loads of time on my hands (and since my dad doesn't seem to have any plans of funding my driving school classes because of his apparent prejudice against women drivers...don't ask), I've preoccupied myself with anime watching. It's been so long since I've watched anime that I enjoyed. Good times, really.

And since I've noticed I hardly update my blog, I decided that I'd just post my reviews on the anime series that I've watched recently. Some of the anime may have been released years ago (those that I have failed to watch during elementary and high school), or the latest ones fresh from Japan. Regardless when they were made, I'll just offer my -er- views about them.

Are you ready? I know I am. Weee~!

What Now?

It’s been almost a month since I graduated. As far back as elementary, I have always looked forward to finishing college. Back then, it meant freedom from assignments, from terror teachers and from hours of boring lectures. When high school rolled in, the goal of finishing tertiary education seemed within reach. Just a few more years, I told myself and I’d be rid of extra-curricular activities, interschool competitions, and the stress of academics. Finally, when college came, I could almost grasp the diploma just beyond the horizon. It had been a long and grueling academic experience. Almost two decades, as I had shifted courses and began from scratch in college.

Back to the present. I’ve finished a baccalaureate degree. I have my diploma. However, I seemed to have expected too much from graduation. After doing overtime in college, I had thought I would be one of the few people in the graduation ceremony to be actually teary eyed and bask in all the graduation-related bliss. Unfortunately, the graduation day fantasy I had been replaying in my head since time immemorial never really materialized…or maybe my expectations were a little too fantastic to be real. I found myself thinking how my graduation was rather anticlimactic. I was excited, but it was not the same excitement I had pictured myself all those previous times before. I didn’t cry. I wasn’t deliriously happy. I didn’t even throw my graduation cap come the end of the commencement program. I felt…wala lang. It was as if it were just another normal event, and not some life changing, memorable, ecstasy-filled occasion I would remember as long as I lived. I’m a bit disappointed, to be honest.

I don’t really know why I was felt rather detached from my graduation when it is one of the few events I have been waiting for. Maybe partly because deep down I could still not reconcile the fact that I could never be a UP grad. Or maybe because I have little love for the college I had to call my Alma Mater. Or maybe it was due to me not being able to take post-graduation pictures with my friends as we had lost each other in the large crowd.

Whatever the reason for my less than sterling view of my graduation day, still, I am happy and content that at least I graduated. I would now be less of a burden to my parents since they don’t have to worry about paying exorbitant tuitions. I would now be able to find work so I can take care of my family. I would now be able to make a difference, however small, in the world.

But in perspective, all those goals still feel like years away from obtaining. I still have exams to pass, experience to attain and a lot more expenses to shell out. The future seems a lot more intimidating because it’s not as predictable as when I was still studying. While schooling, you get used to the usual paces. You wake up, attend classes, go home, study, make projects, sleep. It’s all very predictable and safe. You know what will happen next because you are still in the safe cocoon of education. But after graduation, there is a sense of insecurity. The future isn’t as constant as it was before. You don’t know what’s going to happen next. Will you find a job? Where will you apply for work? Will you like your work? Will you be satisfied with your employment? These are some of the stuff you can’t help but ponder after you’ve gotten your diploma.

I am now one of the thousands of unemployed in the Philippines. I have a degree and yet I am still dependent. But I, like all the other fresh graduates out there, have the potential to earn a lot and make a difference in the world. It’s a paradoxical stage. It really is up to the person if he or she is determined enough to succeed. And I will succeed, darn it!

Right now, I’m reviewing for the nursing board exams. I’m apprehensive and excited at the same time, but mostly it’s the anxiety that’s gnawing me.

But I’m optimistic.

Windswept

This is a short story I passed for our school paper's literary folio. Since I felt like updating my blog, but am too tired from review to actually write anything, I'll post one of my stories instead. Unlike my story in fanfiction.net, this doesn't involve anime at all. ^_^

The gorgeous picture below is from peachysticks on Deviant Art.

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Windswept

Eric closed his eyes and savored the cool, salty breeze and the fine sand between his toes. He liked this place. It brought back fond childhood memories.

“You‘re early.”

Eric opened his eyes. She was here.

“You‘re late,” he replied with a smirk.

The girl giggled. Her laughter reminded Eric of bells, light and tinkling. Careful not to wrinkle her summer dress too much, she sat beside him. “You‘re beginning to look older than me,” she commented.

Eric snorted in amusement and looked at her from the corner of his eyes. “And you haven‘t aged a day since we last met,” he responded. He reached for a lock of her wavy, raven hair and twirled it around his finger. “You looked as if you never even had chemo.”

The girl gave him a bright, cheeky grin. “So, have you snagged any girls lately?”

Eric gave her a pointed look. “You know you‘ll always be my number one.”

The girl gave him a soft, fond smile. “I know.”

Sighing, Eric laid back on the white sand. He idly watched the fluffy, white clouds drift above them. “I think they‘re starting to suspect.”

The girl pulled her knees to her chest and rested her chin between her knees. “Really now?” An amused smile flitted on her lips. She stared at the waves lapping nearby.

Eric lazily closed his eyes. The sunlight was starting to hurt his eyes. “Yeah,” he mumbled. “They must have finally noticed that I always come here.”

The girl brushed a few unruly bangs from his face. “You look troubled.”

Eric locked eyes with her. “Mom and dad are starting to think I‘m crazy.”

“Maybe you are.” The girl laughed.

He sat up. “I just graduated Magna cum Laude at the most prestigious state university in the country,” he stated. “It‘s rather unbelievable if I just lost my mind. And besides, we‘ve been seeing each other for two years already. Don‘t tell me I was crazy for that long.”

“I guess not,” the girl agreed, looking thoughtful. “But I don‘t think they would understand.”

A bittersweet smile appeared on his lips. That was true.

“They‘d probably tell me to stop going here,” he told her sullenly. “I might never see you again.”

The girl looked at him with sad eyes. “Don‘t say that.”

There was a pregnant pause. The ocean breeze, once pleasant, suddenly felt cold and biting.

“I missed you so much. Every single day,” Eric choked out, swallowing a painful lump in his throat. “I don‘t want to lose you all over again.”

The girl gently shushed him. “Little Eric‘s still a crybaby at heart, I see.” She engulfed him into a tight hug. “Don’t worry. As long as you need me, I‘ll be here. I promise.”

Eric felt better. She never broke her word.

When he got home, Eric found his father waiting for him at the living room.

“Where have you been?” he demanded quietly.

Eric made a beeline for the stairs. He knew where this conversation was headed. They‘d had it a couple of times before. “You know where I‘ve been. It’s the same place I go to every month.”

“Your mother and I have heard stories that you‘ve been talking to yourself there. Have you stopped taking your meds again?”

Eric froze mid step. He looked over his shoulder. “It‘s not like you could stop me from seeing her anyway,” he retorted coldly. A few seconds later, his father heard his room slam shut.

Mr. Lopez wearily sat down on the armchair. On the coffee table was a picture of a girl and an even smaller boy building a sandcastle. Both Eric and Carol loved the beach.

Just as he was about to reach out for the frame, it toppled off the table. Picking it up, Mr. Lopez saw a crack over Carol‘s side of the picture. He stared at his daughter’s face. He had always compared her to the summer breeze, carefree and gay. Everyone loved her. Eric, in particular, adored his big sister.

But like the passing wind, she was gone too young, too soon. And Eric’s never been the same ever since.

Outside, the wind picked up. It seemed to hum as it made the dry leaves dance in its wake.

Ingrate

I am known for being cautious. I am wary, I hold my tongue (even if I am simply itching to retort something) and as much as possible avoid people, places and events that may bring me trouble. I play safe to remain safe. I do what is necessary to stay on the good side of people. Because in the long run, if I ever commit something purely humiliating or undignified, or need help on something, I won't have to endure the scrutiny or harsh comments of people. It's rather spineless, now that I think about it, but I don't want my life to be even more complicated than it is already.

I have become even more cautious when I joined the school paper. In DDC, school publication staff seem to have a notoriety that rivals mass murderers or plunderers. Unlike in UP where you can virtually lambast institutions or people as you see fit without severe repercussions, DDC is the complete opposite. You may be part of the media but you feel voiceless. What you write is censored in the sense that you are afraid to say something against the school. Those in State U's who enjoy academic freedom may find it hard to understand why this is so, but when you are in a private college, you are reduced to a powerless student. Powerless in the sense that you can't openly voice out your sentiments or talk back to school officials especially when they are in the wrong. It's a frustrating environment to be in, especially for somebody who has enjoyed so much freedom from UP.

So how censored is Clarion? Really? It's not like we can't write things against the school. We can. But doing so spells a miserable stay. You can get expelled. You can be ostracized. You can be bullied by CIs because when it comes to matters involving DDC's Nursing Department, students and sections are endorsed. If you happen to be on the wanted list, the entire department will know. It's already tough being your average nursing student, how much more so when the CI handling you has a grudge for some damning article you wrote against them. See the picture? Unless you are tough enough to endure such repercussions, it is best to just shut up. That is why in Clarion, news and columns are always pro-DDC. It's disappointing. It's utterly frustrating. But you have to accept it. It's the only way you can get through the harrowing four years in DDC unscathed.

By my standards, I have been a very nice EIC as far as school-based articles go. Never did I slam any department or staff. I have kept my mouth shut instead of complaining about the demeaning treatment students receive from some staff and faculty, about the "palakasan" that pervades in every nook and cranny of the school, about the "Special Section" the Nursing department has set (which, in my opinion, promotes discrimination among students) and of the less than sterling way the school and the Nursing department handles complaints, enrollment, the ring hop and the graduation (utterly disorganized, but hey, I never wrote anything about it). I didn't even write anything about the grade fixing some students had (simply because he was the son of the Academic Director, he passed his NCM when according to CIs, he failed) and the special treatment a few students receive simply because they are known by the staff or faculty, or simply because they know how to smooth-talk their way to getting what they want. There are a lot of things I want to write about but I did not. I'm sad because I didn't have it in me to have the gall EICs were supposed to possess. I have kept quiet. I have sacrificed journalistic objectivity in exchange for passivity to keep myself trouble-free. I was supposed to be the voice of the students, but I have kept silent. But then again, I want to graduate. I do not want, nor need, the additional hassle of the administration or some other school department breathing down my neck.

I write my columns very carefully. I do not want to make public apologies, like my predecessor was forced to do after she inadvertently incurred the wrath of the Nursing dean. Her article was harmless, if you ask me, but somehow, many of the CIs and the dean herself took offense. Roh found herself apologizing for the article she made, since the dean threatened that she would not be able to graduate and that all her awards be stripped.

So who could blame the current staff, me included, for being so sedate over school-related matters?

The Clarion magazine was released late due to internal issues, but I am glad now that it was distributed after graduation. You see, when I came to the Dean's office today to have my PRC application signed one last time, I got the tongue lashing I wasn't even expecting. If the magazine had been released on time, I doubt I would get very far in my PRC papers.

After clarifying that I was indeed the Clarion EIC, she asked me if I had already gotten a feedback from her about the mag. I said no. She then said she was "disappointed" and I was "ungrateful" to the Nursing department. She said that in my column, I took the time to thank the AHSE Department (whom I was a student for two years) but I never thanked the Nursing department. She kept repeating how ungrateful I was and that if she knew I would write something like that, then she shouldn't have allowed me to shift to Nursing. She said I should be thankful because without them, I wouldn't be one step closer to becoming a nurse. She added that I should be careful of the people I acknowledge. I should mention here that I thanked some CIs, but never the department itself.

I just kept quiet because I needed her signature. I never said I was sorry though. I skewed my face so it would seem like I looked pathetic and apologetic. After her 'lecture,' I mumbled my thanks and left.

Really, inasmuch as I wanted to play safe, there just has to be a tiny detail somewhere to do me in. I guess I can't please everybody. But regardless, did she really need to scold me for that? Did she really expect me to prostrate myself like Charm did on her column? Am I obliged to thank the department?

Her reaction to my article was the very reason why I never thanked the Nursing department in the first place. I disliked what she did to Roh (my EIC predecessor). I disliked how she was the only person during the tuition increase forum to strongly oppose an increase in the school paper budget (God knows how much Clarion needed the additional money). I disliked her for belittling our batch (suicidal batch ba...). And I dislike a lot of her CIs because they were either too arrogant, too strict, or did not bother to be helpful when students were virtually chasing after them for signatures on pink books and exhibit forms.

But there are a few CIs whom I respect and regard highly, but that is that. Don't get me wrong though. I am grateful to the department because the things I learned are my stepping stone to a career in nursing. However, I was not obliged to thank them in print. She should not be angry with me because it is my right as a journalist to thank those whom I feel I should thank. It was against my beliefs to thank a department that I am not very fond of in general.

She calls me ungrateful. Maybe I am, in a way. But with the way she acted and responded to such a minor detail, then I do not regret not thanking her department at all.

An Insult to Intelligence

I don't watch local shows, minus the occasional evening news and anime shown on local stations. But other than that, I skip local channels. Frankly, the shows are often repetitive, shallow, cheaply-made, and have drama/soap opera plots recycled too many times (or just plain stupid).

The cable we have hardly has any channels worth watching. There are less than ten channels that I actually enjoy, as the rest are pure crap. If there is hardly anything worth watching in cable, I can only imagine how horribly painful it is to sit in front of the television with an even limited number of channels. Ugh.

Local telenovelas, in all honesty, are utterly stupid. It's an insult to intelligence really. I wonder how most Filipinos could stomach the unbelievable and absurd plot lines, the cheaply made costumes, and annoying characters who must probably suffer from dehydration with all the crying they do on a daily basis.

When Ging was around to take care of Inay temporarily (my grandmum has Alzheimer's), I was exposed to one week of local telenovela. She hogged the television during her stay. Me and my family just watched along, and she probably thought we watched and enjoyed the same brand of entertainment she did. During that time, I spent half the evening rolling my eyes and drinking so much water to drown the sarcasm yearning to escape my lips. I wanted to yell how stupid the shows were. That the plots were so mundane and pathetic I wouldn't be surprised if the viewers' brain neurons fizzled after long exposures to these shows.

But the show that truly annoyed me was ABS-CBN's rehashed TV version of "Princess Sarah." The child actresses who played Sarah and Becky (I think that was the other girl's name...or was it Betty?) were no where near as cute or endearing as Camille and Angelica were in the movie version. That obviously fake curled up mustached of one of the actors annoyed me to no end. And his pathetic excuse for an Italian accent only made me want to hurl knives at him. The set was clearly not set in the 1800s even if they had carriages. Come on, 19th century houses were not designed like that, nor had that kind of furniture. And the costumes were horrid. Who in their right mind would actually wear a bright, shiny orange dress in the Victorian era? Eww. The costumes seemed mismatched. My guess is they were probably assembled together simply because they looked like the clothes of yesteryear, be damned that they don't actually belong to the same period. As long as they look like what people would wear a century or two ago, then it's good enough. Pft. As if that was what people from that time actually wear.

Come on. ABS-CBN earns billions of pesos every year and yet the props and sets on "Sarah" seemed so cheaply budgeted. Just slap on some peasant looking dresses, market place that a three year old could tell is fake, and some little children to endear the audience and you're all set. What happened to quality? Heck, they didn't even research the time period when "Sarah" was set. Ah, but I guess when you're concerned with profits, everything else can be thrown out the window. Quality be damned. Filipinos could not even tell how everything in the show is grossly inaccurate. As long as there are cute children, humor, a bit of teen romance on the side, and a saintly protagonist who gets bullied and pushed around by mean people for no apparent reason, Filipinos will watch. Big companies like ABS-CBN know this and use it to their advantage.

This is why Filipinos get dumber. They are exposed to shows that do not even spend time getting facts right. It is an insult to Filipino intelligence, but the sad thing is that I think most Filipinos don't really mind at all.

The Woes of an EIC

I usually try to keep my temper in check. And I usually do not explode just because I am extremely pissed at someone. They first have to push me...twice, thrice, or even more...before I finally cannot stand it and am forced to confront them straight in the face that I detest their behavior.

Right now, I have a few people whom I would dearly love to get my hands on. If possible, I would want to give them a piece of my mind while they are buried neck-down in hot sand. I shall delightfully watch and listen to their agonized screams while sipping iced-tea and watch with satisfaction as fire ants feast on their pathetic faces. Okay, maybe that's mean. But then again, since I can't really do that in real life, seeing them suffer slow, painful deaths will be left in the anals of my imagination.

My Managing Editor, Vic, is frankly (excuse my course language) a pain in the ass. He knows how important he is in the functioning of the school paper, but he is being a liability more than an asset. He wasn't as bad in the first semester. I sometimes wonder if he does this on purpose just to annoy the heck out of me and some of the senior eds, or this is just how he really is: a bona fide slacker who cares about nothing else but his boyfriend. And yes, that's boyfriend. I didn't spell it wrong.

Really, he knows how important his job is and yet he acts irresponsibly. The least he could do is be professional about it. He joined the paper out of his own free will. wasn't coerced into joining the school paper. And most certainly he isn't the only one wishing to quit just to get rid of all the pressure, scrutiny and busy schedule associated with being part of the school paper. I would love nothing more than to quit, but my sense of responsibility and accountability prevents me from giving up my post.

But apparently that does not exist in Vic's case.

And if that is his normal behavior (to find excuses to avoid his duties, simply disappear when needed and avoid replying to important text messages on purpose) then he should not have entered the school paper to begin with. He should have just quit early on to save us all the trouble instead of setting a ruckus in the middle of the school year by threatening to quit (which is devastating news when there is no other person qualified to replace him just like that).

If I could replace him, I would. Really. Fact of the matter is, no one else is trained for his position. He was the only one trained by the previous Managing Editor in all the functions of that said position. All of us expected him to perform all the tasks delegated to and expected of him. He was capable. And he seemed responsible enough. How sorely wrong we were.

It's frustrating to work with him. So frustrating at times that I want to just tear my hair out of exasperation and cry. But since these actions aren't productive or going to help me anyway, I try to be more rational during these times. I just pop chocolates and think of happy thoughts (like skewering him with a large fork).

There are times when I envy Roh having Jinx as her Managing Editor. You can count on Jinx. She probably had superhuman abilities to have been able to accomplish all the workload Roh piled on her. I don't even assign Vic the same amount of work and yet his performance is dismally slow or unsatisfactory. These days, I need to prod him a couple of times or get extremely pissed off before he does his duties. So stressful.

And what's even worse is he gives off all these excuses or leaves his work unfinished simply to meet up with his boyfriend. I mean, honestly, can't their rendezvous wait until his responsibilities in the school paper are through? That is so damn unprofessional and unfair on the rest of the staff, as he is relied upon to work on action plans so we can have the MONEY for our activities. I'm not even asking him much. I simply want him to be more responsible.

Just this Monday, I stayed up until 1 in the morning waiting for his call because we were supposed to plan for the Christmas party and Christmas outreach. I told him that regardless of what time he came home, he should call me because this was important, as we had limited time to prepare for these. He said he would call at 11 PM, since he'd be home by then (how strange though that he comes home that late as it is a school night and he has classes at 8 AM the next day). But 11 came and gone but he never called. He never even notified me that he'd never call. Never even apologized. Nothing. I could have spent all those hours getting much needed sleep. That was so inconsiderate of him.

And just yesterday, I told him we'd meet at the publication office to discuss on the activities. He came, but he told me he was very sleepy and he had not gone home (geez, I wonder what nocturnal activity he did...). We discussed for an hour, but there were still some areas left to clarify or finalize. He did an action plan. After which, I decided to update our bulletin board. He asked if he could go home since he was sleepy. I told him that it was not my problem since it was his undoing (come on, that's no excuse...and besides, he should accept the consequences of having sex all night), and instructed him to finish all his assignments (which included the long overdue inventory, the project proposal for the Christmas outreach, action plans, venue for the Christmas party...all of which he could have done so a long time ago.)

When I came back, my friend, who had been loitering in the office, told me he had left. Without telling me. On purpose.

Now that got me steamed. Not so much because he had completely bailed on his assignments, but he did not even have the decency to tell me he was leaving. Would it hurt just to inform his superior that he was leaving? I wouldn't really stop him from doing so anyway. I found his behavior infuriating and completely rude.

And right now, he won't even respond to simple text messages asking whether he has actually booked the venue for our Christmas party or not. I am only waiting for a yes or no answer so we can arrange or finalize the venue as we are short on time as it is...But I bet if I were Deo (his BF), he'd reply in a hear beat.

Gugmang giatay. Peste talaga.

The Product of Boredom

I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but having nothing to do is tiring. I kind of miss all the action and stress a usual college semester brings (I swear, I'll take this statement back once the second semester begins).

It's ironic, really. The whole first semester was HECTIC. I was literally pummeled with all my responsibilities in the school paper; tried (and failed) to balance academics and extracurricular activities; received criticisms, censorships and stringent (and often unreasonable) policies from the school administration; maneuvered through the tricky world of college politics; and experienced stress way more than a normal nursing student should. As soon as the first semester ended, I was ready to hit the hay with plans not to wake up until the second semester was halfway through. I was completely burned out.

But right in the middle of sem break (a.k.a. period of laziness and quiet relaxation), I already find myself bored. I think I got too used with being busy and stressed that my body is still adapting with my relaxed and almost stress-free semestral break lifestyle. But the funny thing is I'm too lazy to do things that require me breaking into a sweat, so I just cook, watch TV, surf the net, sleep or read (not in that particular order). But maybe if I get too bored I'd probably do something drastic...like clean my room. Hahaha.

So meanwhile, to pass the time, I decided to do some internet exploring, and hence stumbled into these online quizzes.

Just for the heck of it, I decided to put the results of some of the more interesting quizzes I took .

What mental disorder do you have? Your Result: OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) You have odd obsessions that you cannot seem to control. You may even perform rituals to make you feel better. Counting and continuously obsessing over things happens frequently.
GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder)
Paranoia
Manic Depressive
ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder)
What mental disorder do you have?

I actually agree with the result above. I do have a few compulsions. Hehe. At least being obsessive-compulsive is better than being manic depressive.

What's Your Best Quality? Your Result: Intelligence   Your best quality is intelligence! People like you because you are smart and always make the right decision. Your intelligence also helps you handle tough situations.
Personality
Loving
Ambitious
Out-Going
Sense of Humor
What's Your Best Quality? Take More Quizzes

What does this quiz tell us? That I hardly have a sense of humor. Sniff. I am a serious (a bit OC, slightly paranoid, slightly anxious, slightly homicidal [see quiz at bottom]) person.

Your Language Arts Grade: 100%

Way to go! You know not to trust the MS Grammar Check and you know "no" from "know." Now, go forth and spread the good word (or at least, the proper use of apostrophes).

Are You Gooder at Grammar?
Make a Quiz

Cool. I actually got a great grade in the quiz, and English isn't even my first language!

Probability of killing, 37%

So you have problems with enemies, maybe dont have a high enough self-esteem, or play a few violent videogames. Cutting it a little close there. Try to keep your cool, alright?

Are you capable of killing

Maybe if I snapped one of these days, I really could go on a killing spree. Haha. Joking aside, my "killing probability" isn't even 50% so my staff has no worries of me committing mass murder.

Unsolicited Advice

If there is one thing that I hate, it's condescending people. But what I hate even more are condescending people who just have to rub all of your mistakes in your face and make you feel lowly and embarassed.

Now, there is a reason why I do not go to the administration part of our college. I dislike most of the people there. They are nowhere near accomodating and treat most students like earthworms (and ironically, these are the very same students who provide them with their salaries). If you are not a visitor, a parent, or a PACUCOA accreditor, most likely you'll be given condescending looks or ignored completely. Yep, the administration certainly provides its students with quality service.

Another reason why I dislike going to the administration part of the school is because I don't like bumping into Erick, a previous Clarion EIC. Why don't I like bumping into one of my predecessors? I'm uncomfortable around him. His whole aura reeks of fakeness and arrogance.

So, since you already know why I hate going to the admin, I'll tell you why I got so steamed earlier.

I dragged myself to the admin to have the action plan for our tree planting signed (since my managing editors neglected to follow it up). Dr. Villano's secretary, the woman I disliked since last year (yes, I occasionally dropped by the admin during Roh's tenure as EIC to get action plans signed) was there. And since it seemed she was the only one who didn't look too busy, I approached her, intent on just leaving the action plan there and having another Clarionet fetch it later. I didn't want to stay too long in a place I disliked.However, as luck would have it, she recognized who I was.

I usually take criticisms in stride and try to take them positively as tools for improvement. However, the way she commented on the various typos of Clarion's second issue made me want to grab her by her large, overly-curly hair and have her run over by a garbage truck...a million zillion times.

Secretary: Daghan lagi mali ang Clarion.
Me: Lagi ma'am. *smiles sheepishly* Kulang kasi kami sa oras ma'am eh. Medyo minadali yung issue.
Sec: *throws me a condescending look* That's no excuse. Editor-in-chief pud baya ko sa una...
[Like the hell do I care kung EIC siya dati. Haler. She is in no position to compare our situations. She was no nursing student. She probably had more spare time in college than I ever did...]
Me: Yes ma'am. *plasters on a fake smile*
Sec: Dati nga 1 o'clock na ako makauwi...You should know how to sacrifice...
[If she only knew na 12:30 AM na ako nakauwi sa sit-in. What does she know of sacrificing for the paper? Hell, I skipped History 2 twice in a row just to make sure the damn magazine came out before the semester ended. I come home late most of the time because of Clarion-related activities. I am almost always stressed because of paper-related issues. I skip hanging out with my friends just because of the school paper. I barely have free time because of Clarion. In fact, all my classmates and friends would agree that I probably eat, breath and sleep Clarion this entire sem...Who is she to tell me that I don't know how to sacrifice?]
Sec: Marami talagang mali yung issue niyo.
Me: Yes ma'am. Mali po yung spelling nung "foundation" at "phoenix".
Sec: Oo yun, at marami pa. Tapos yung pictures niyo masaydong dark at lampas [sa margin]. At yung boxes, nag-overlap pa sa text...blah blah...
[She was talking about the editorial part of the mag. Geez, like we could actually control the darkness or lightness of our column pics. And the red vertical bar was actually a design. On the overlapping part, yes, one column had that problem though. But overall, she was pointing out the technical aspect which I had no control over. That is the job of the printing press. Sometimes, it cannot be helped that plates are not positioned acurately.]
Sec: I hope this serves as a lesson. Nakakahiya sa school. Alam mo ba na ang nakapansin pa ng mali [sa cover] is hindi pa dito sa school? Visitor pa galing sa Tacurong. Nakakahiya. Ako pa ang napagsabihan...
[And do you actually think I like seeing those mistakes on the magazine? And don't you think I'm embarassed as well? I was the only one who sat-in at the printing press, and I hardly had time to proof read everything because of the extensive layout changes that had to be done. I had to finish the magazine in less than 24 hours; I was tired, stressed and alone so I could not see all the typos during my sit-in...cut me some slack. If I had been in a better condition, I wouldn't let any typos get pass me... And geez, if this is already a source of embarassment for the school, she should see the humiliating passing rates at the NLE or the tag of "labayanan sa mga bagsak" attained by DDC...And what "lesson" is she yakking about? All I've learned from this incident is to stay away from the admin and that many of the school staff are shallow, condescending and utterly obnoxious.]
Sec: Mabuti naman at maganda ang tanggap mo sa criticisms. Let this be a lesson ha.
Me: *continues to smile that fake smile*

I'm okay with criticisms, but I detested the way she told me about it. I swear, if there weren't any repercussions, I would have done so many nasty, inhumane things to her. If she were so great, I dare her to fill in my shoes and try to manage the school paper with my schedule. I'd like to see if she could do any better.

Thus went that unfortunate admin incident. I cooled off by eating chocolate ice cream at the mall. If I have the chance, I'd probably burn all the second issue mags just to spare me from future crap like this.

Unsent

Dear Someone,

It's been four years. Four years of running away and regretting. Four years of crying in secret. Four years of hiding. Four years of trying to forget. Four years of denial.

But no more. Four years is too long. I have to move on.

The memories of all those years ago are still fresh in my mind. It has kept me from engaging in other relationships. It has made me skeptical. It has turned me cold, bitter. The romantic part of me has died because of that experience four years ago. But it has turned me into a more rational person. I have become stronger, braver and yet I still run away.

The past still stings. I could not face it still. Because despite the good it has given me, it also has chained me. I cannot move on. There isn't a day that I have not thought of what could have been if I had not been so foolish. Maybe if I made better decisions, if I did not entertain such childish follies, then perhaps I could have attained my dream of graduating at the most prestigious state university in the country in the course I have always wanted. But we cannot turn back time. And I cannot undo what has already been done.

You do not know how much it hurts every time I think of what I left behind. All you think is yourself, how you could keep me caged so you could be happy. Your "love" is not love at all but an obsession. But you don't know that. You are selfish. I have left friends, classmates and my dreams behind because of what you did. But you don't know that. You are so wrapped up in your own emotions, your needs that you failed to realize you are already hurting other people.

December is supposed to be the time of celebration, but every time it rolls around, I cannot help but think about what happened. You did not have to get my family involved. It was supposed to be a matter between the two of us. But you are a coward, and you chose the cowardly, conniving way. That was the saddest Christmas I had. Did you even know that I wanted to die that Christmas Eve? Of course you didn't. All that matters to you is yourself.

Because of you, I no longer believe in stuff like true love, lasting relationships and happily ever after. You have taught me the grim reality of what relationships could be like. You have shattered my high school fantasies on romance and replaced it with fear and dread.

That's why I prefer to be single, and remain single. I do not want it to happen again. It's an experience I do not want to repeat.

You know, I have blamed you all along but I have come to realize that I too am partly to blame. I am not as emotional or as sweet as you would have wanted. I lose my temper easily. I am moody. I stand up to you when you tell me not to go near a boy. But still, what you did was unjustifiable. I did not deserve that. Nobody deserved that. You do not instill fear and blackmail just to get what you want.

But thanks to you and what you did, I have found a greater appreciation of life. I have learned to appreciate and love my family more, cherish my friends more, lower my pride and keep everything else in stride. The experience has left me broken but I am picking up the pieces. It has humbled me, so now I am thankful for all the blessings God given to me and to everyone I love. I want to thank you for that.

I sometimes wonder how you are doing. Whether you are successful or miserable, in a relationship or alone. I hate you still, I will admit. What you did to me and my family will never be forgotten. But, at least, time has a way of easing the pain.

Four years is enough. Life must move on. I have to move on.

I am happy now. And I hope it stays that way.

Aaachoooo!

It sucks to get sick.

Your throat gets all scratchy and sore. Your voice changes. You cough up yellow-greenish sputum (ew, was that too much unnecessary detail?). You feel feverish but your body temperature is normal. You feel like going to sleep but you can't. In short, when have a cold, you feel like crap. By tomorrow, I'll probably have both a cold and cough by the looks of it. Oh, joy.

Who would have thought that a virus, which is virtually a nonliving thing outside the human body, could do so much damage?

Since the common cold is self-limiting (it being a virus and all), there's nothing left to do but wait, drink lots of water and juice, and entertain myself with TV and internet. It's not so bad, when you think about it. I just feel like crap, that's all.

Stupid cold. *mutters a few more incoherent profanities while sipping juice*

The Filipino Facade

"There is a quality even meaner than outright ugliness or disorder, and this meaner quality is the dishonest mask of pretended order..."

- Jane Jacobs

I don't know about other cultures, but Filipinos are very concerned on how they are viewed by other people. You see, Pinoys are very particular about maintaining a respectable, immaculate public image. Most families, especially those traditional ones, are very keen on this aspect and will go to great lengths to maintain that public image of a model family and an ideal home. Filipinos, you see, have this "hiya" (shame). The opinions of neighbors, relatives and other people matter so much that sometimes even personal happiness is put in the line just to maintain that outward appearance of perfection.

My group mate, Ate Marj, just happens to be one of those people.

Before, I viewed Ate Marj as having the perfect family with a loving, caring husband and wonderful children. Her husband had four children from his previous marriage. So in addition to their four children, Ate Marj also has four stepchildren to take care of. Regardless, her stepchildren and biological kids love her. Her stepchildren are all successful, each with jobs in Manila or Davao. Her own biological children are her source of pride, and she never reports any problems with them. When we come over to her place for school projects (since they have a big house), she and her husband are always sweet. They seem so happy and content with each others' company.

It was only a few months ago when I realized things were not as perfect as they appeared to be. Ate Marj wasn't really happy. She may smile and give off that air that everything was fine and in order, but in reality, her home life was far from it.

For starters, her husband is a bum. He doesn't have any work, which is rather surprising since he has 8 children all in all. So where do they get all the money? Ate Marj's family in the US provides them with their expenses. Ate Marj narrated (when her guard was down) that her husband has never even bothered to find work. He has engaged in different small-time businesses, all of which never really took off because his lack of management and eventual lack of interest. All he does is sit around the house, watch TV or play with their pet dogs. He does not even cook, do the laundry or even do the most menial household chores. Ate Marj, after coming home from school or duty, does all of this.

This piece of information really made my blood boil. How could a husband be so irresponsible? With so many mouths to feed, doesn't he even feel ashamed or guilty that he could not even provide for his family? But with Ate Marj's story, I highly doubt it. This is a man who has gotten so used at manipulating people that he isn't even the slightest bit guilty of not having a job or helping out at home.

Honestly, when I heard this, I wanted to march over and punch her bastard of a husband senseless. But at the same time, I wondered how Ate Marj could put up with this. Why she has spent 18 or so years tolerating her husband's behavior is beyond me. She said that she had this vision of an ideal family, and she did not want other people to see the cracks in the marriage, so she continues to paint that outward appearance that there are absolutely no problems at home. Frankly, if that was my husband I would have left him a long time ago. But I guess Ate Marj wants to keep on believing that she could still attain her dream of a perfect family so she persists. And besides, she admits, it is embarassing for friends and neighbors to know. And if you're asking if her own family knows about this, yes, they do. In fact, Ate Marj's mom has been constantly telling her to leave her husband, but Ate Marj has not done so.

And if her husband isn't problem enough, one of her sons in high school is even a kleptomaniac. The problem has gotten out of hand that, at one time, when our classmate Sioti spent the night at Ate Marj, he suddenly found his wallet missing. It was later traced that it was Ate Marj's son who took it. Now this was not the only incident wherein her son's habit of taking things that did not belong to him happened. Sioti advised Ate Marj that it was time to discipline him, so this time, they took her son to the police station. It was merely a ploy to make her son learn that stealing was unacceptable. They were not really going to have him jailed, just make him realize that stealing had such consequences. Much to Ate Marj's inner pain of watching her son behind bars, her outward appearance remained stoic and resolute. At first, her son did not seem to care at all that he was being punished, but eventually he began to cry and they took him back home. I don't know if that was too harsh, but I guess you need to do something drastic once in a while if you want children to learn. Her son had to learn that stealing was not okay, that it could eventually land him in jail for real if it continued. I don't know if his case of kleptomania has persisted, though. I'm hoping it has ended there, for their sakes.

But back to Ate Marj's husband. I feel sad for Ate Marj for having such a difficult, manipulative and bum of a husband. I wonder why she could not leave him. As far as I'm concerned, he is just excess baggage on her life, leeching on her and making her miserable. But she could not leave him, she says, because she feels sorry for him. After all, if she left, where would he go? He has no work, no money and basically no one to support him if she left. His children all loathe him for being irresponsible and jobless. And then there is still that "hiya" thing going. It's embarrassing for friends and other relatives to know that she left him because all this time he was actually a bum who did not even bother to find a job to support his family; that all this time it has been she who has been keeping the family together. And besides, inasmuch as Ate Marj likes the idea of leaving him, she couldn't because she still loves him.

I can only sigh. I don't know how long Ate Marj will continue to be a masochist for a man who only uses her for his own gain. I don't know how long Ate Marj will continue to be blind to reason. Sympathy, shame, and love has trapped her in a marriage that she isn't really happy in. It's sad. I wish I could do more, but being younger than her, I doubt she would listen.

Ate Marj prays all the time. I do hope that prayer gives her the strength and the wisdom, so later on, she will be truly happy. Not simply pretend to be happy.

The good, the bad, and the PERVY

As I was reading the latest scanlation (scan + translation) of the latest chapter of Naruto today, some strange fact occurred to me. You see, the latest chapter focuses on Jiraiya, Naruto's teacher, and his past. But that's not my point (and I doubt those who don't have any inkling in anime or Naruto can relate anyway). My point is, we usually find perverted situations funny. I mean, no anime would be complete without the occasional slip-up of the main male character wherein he would accidentally see the lead female semi-naked. Or in some shows, perverted old men are usually the main staple for humor (take Ranma 1/2's Happosai or Naruto's Jiraiya).

Okay, back to Jiraiya. Like most perverted old men in anime, he spends his leisure time trying to sneak a peek at women bathing or trying to cop a feel at the cutest or sexiest lady that passes him by. It's really funny to watch how he tries, and fails, to achieve his goal. However, in real life, I doubt women would actually find it funny if somebody tried to harass them. But when we watch in comedy shows, or anime in my case, it's actually hilarious.

I'm no authority on moral matters, but I actually find something very curious. Why do we find green jokes and perverted men funny?

I don't know. Maybe it has something to do with sex itself. Maybe it's a way of making fun of men's preoccupation with getting laid or landing the cutest/sexiest/hottest girl; a satire you could say. Or maybe it's a case of "What ifs." Because you can hardly get away with a perverted act in real life, then it's perhaps better to put fictional characters into uncompromising situations instead and enjoy the mayhem that will ensue afterwards. Or maybe it's the fascination with sex, and green jokes and funny perverted men are a way of trying to get the idea of sex and sexuality across without offending anyone. I mean, when you let something slide as humor, people don't have to take it too seriously and you are safe from lawsuits and public condemnation.

Hmm. Thinking of all of those possible theories is starting to make my head hurt. Well, moving on...

But whatever the case, you've got to admit, perverted men and perverted scenes in anime make these shows ten times funnier. Who wouldn't find it funny?It's fun to see perverts get their just desserts by getting pummeled, punched into oblivion and pelted with every imaginable hard object out there. And with all the nosebleeds, exaggerated expressions and unbelievable situations, who wouldn't fall off from their chair from laughter? Er, well, probably except if you are one of those people who faint, feel scandalized or go into mad fits just from simply hearing the word "boobs"...

As for me, I'll continue watching anime. And I'll continue laughing my ass off from all the good, bad and pervy situations that come with each episode.

Where have all the good boys gone?

While I was going home this morning from NOC duty, my thoughts began to wander on some strange fact (and believe me, if you sorely lack sleep like I did, you'd be wondering about the most mundane things too). I'm no homophobe or anything, but it's rather disappointing that most boys (or men) that I find handsome are well...gay. I don't know if this is some strange phenomenon, or Mother Nature is simply trying to be funny, but these days the attractive, nice, boyfriend-material guys I find are always gay or bisexual. Why is that?

Do I have a thing for gays or bisexuals? Uh, no. Definitely not. I'm straight, thanks.

But really though, it boggles the mind why the more good looking half of the male population are homosexuals or bisexuals. It's disheartening for females. And I know I'm not the only one with that sentiment. With all the great-looking males being queer and everything, all it leaves for Adam's race are pig-headed, horny, un-gentleman creatures who are as interesting or as romantic as toadstools. In other words, nature conspired and decided that those with attractive genes keep these genes to themselves and let females suffer the torture of meeting straight guys who are nowhere near their standards of "Dr. McDreamy." It's a cruel world for ladies.

With my rant, you might be starting to think that I am a man-hater. I once was, I admit. But that was a few years ago, and today I do hold a high respect for a limited number of gentlemen (and that is a very limited number). For me, most of the male straight population are total dorks whose only interest is trying to get into the pants of sexy, buxom, scantily-clad females who have no substance to speak of whatsoever. And majority of these guys don't even have the looks or sex appeal worth boasting of and yet act like they are the best thing to ever happen to females. Paaathetic...

Ah, but returning to the topic. Realy, some of the best looking guys out there are queer. It's a waste, really. But it's not like we can do anything about it. So for those ladies looking for their ultimate guy, they will be sorely disappointed at the lack of choices (if there are any feasible choices at all). They are left with two options: a.) Lower their standards and just stick it up with a guy who is "pretty okay" or "bearable", or b.) Stay single. I chose 'b' and believe me, it's the better choice. You won't regret it.

Crime and Consequences

Indeed, with every action comes an equal but opposite reaction.

Our group has been pretty busy, trying to cram the case presentations (CPs) we were supposed to make for the entire semester down into just a few days. If it weren't for the fact that we would not be cleared to take the final exams if we didn't pass all six CPs, no one in our group would probably be working their butts right now. Haha. Ironic, really, considering during the semester we tried to avoid telling our CIs when it was CP week just to avoid making and passing CPs.

They are a hassle. My mom tells me the CPs we were supposed to make are useless. I am tempted to agree. I mean, in a group of ten, only half of the people actually do the work. The rest of the group are, well, "props." Most only rely on the industrious or smart group mates and this is where you see student parasitism in all its glory. In UPMin, I don't recall any incidents of this going on (maybe because we were very rarely grouped together there and besides, UP studes want to earn good grades so they do their share of the work). In Davao Doc, on the other hand, lots of students, being practically academic average Joes (or even less, sometimes) have learned to get by through leeching on to people whom they know will work to earn a high grade. It's annoying. But I guess that's what you get when you enroll in a private school that puts more emphasis on looking good than actually doing good.

Add to this CP cramming thing, there is also this problem with Ate Marj. She is one of our group mates, who, by sheer bad luck, is currently in the hot seat. She had been absent during the afternoon of our first day of 911 training. Our CI found out and he has been breathing down her neck ever since. It got to the point that Ate Marj became too afraid to come to during the second and third day of training in fear that our CI would humiliate her in front of three sections (we were three sections all in all being trained). And now, like some drawn-out drama, our supervisor is asking for a letter from someone in class who had "witnessed" that Ate Marj indeed suffered from hypertension that morning, leading to her absence in the afternoon.

Now this would have been the best way to close this chapter on the Ate-Marj-going-AWOL-during-911-training but there is a big problem: how do you prove that she actually had high blood pressure that morning? No one checked her BP. And she even informed Ate Lily that she was going home that day because her period was unusually heavy (not related to increased BP, now, is it?) Jazz, my other groupmate, told me that Ate Marj said she was not feeling well that lunchtime, probably due to her hypertension acting up. With this two opposing stories, I am not really sure if Ate Marj's reason for skipping the afternoon lectures was indeed due to a sudden surge in her BP. But I'll give her the benefit of the doubt anyway. And if that wasn't enough, when Ate Marj was called by the supervisor and Sir CI, Sir CI said 17 of her "close friends" verified that Ate Marj was habitually absent during classes, meaning her absence in 911 wasn't the first time she skipped class. Now, I do agree that Ate Marj does tend to skip classes (and me and my group were rather impressed how she never managed to get caught...until now that is) but I doubt 17 people "close" to her would actually leak this out to any CI. I mean, if this people were really "close" to her as Sir CI said, I doubt they'd rat her out. And I don't think Ate Marj has that many "close friends" in class to begin with. It leads me to believe that Sir CI may be stretching the truth on that one just a bit. I do think he interviewed one or two people in class, but I doubt he actually asked 17.

But really, this whole problem with Ate Marj skipping the 911 session would not have been blown out of proportion had she asked permission from sir that she go home because she was not feeling well. Had she asked and not gone home with telling any CI, maybe she wouldn't be in such deep trouble at the moment. And Sir CI, being somewhat stubborn, also has a bad habit of being tactless at times so it was understandable why Ate Marj decided to skip the entire 3 days training all together.

I didn't know there would be this much drama before the semester officially ends.

Anatomy of a Disaster

We had our 911 a.k.a Emergency/Disaster Training last week. It may have been almost a week after the said event but I still have the horrible bruises on my arms and knees to attest to the rigorous training that took place. The inside of my arms still have dark bruises from the lifting we did as part of the victim evacuation training. My knees still show hematoma from all those kneeling from practicing CPR. The immaculate white shirt I wore during training had been stained by catsup, which was used as "blood" during our simulation of mass casualty incidents.

It was fun, painful but fun. However, I doubt I'd want to become a medical technician or an emergency room nurse. Why? My grades in the whole thing were just...awful. I was probably one of those who got the lowest score. *Sigh* I was pathetic at CPR (because the senior trainer said my "form" was incorrect but did not even bother to tell me what the right positioning was, damn it). I can hardly remember any of the bandaging techniques taught (which were like, i dunno, about 20 to 25 all in all) in a matter of 2 hours. I hardly even had answers on the enumeration part of our written exam. Well, so much for that. I think someone out there is telling me that emergency nursing or anything related to first aid isn't really my forte. But I guess you can't be good in everything. I just plain suck at it, which when I think about it...well...sucks (wow, I certainly have a wide vocabulary, don't I?)

But at least that's over. It's time to move on to this week's duty: ER NOC (11 pm to 3 am). Wee. I am so excited (can you just feel the sarcasm radiating in waves there?). Haha.

Nursing rollercoaster

The results of the Philippine nursing licensure exams are out. Today.

Before you jump to any conclusions, no, I was not one of the nearly 80,000 who took the test. I haven't even graduated yet. However, a couple of my friends in the school paper were June takers and I am as excited as they are about the results.

No one told me the results were out today. I don't even have a damn cell phone so even a simple text message informing me about the NLE results was out of the picture. It was just a whim, I guess, since every few days I would casually scan the net to see if the June 2007 results were posted. It was necessary that I know since we were supposed to post the results at the school paper as well.

So when I searched the net, lo and behold, only 48% passed. My eyes almost fell from my sockets (okay, so that was an exaggeration, but I was still stunned with how low the national passing rate was). I mean, below 50% ? Really, was the performance of the June 2007 takers that dismal?

I can only click my tongue. It was disappointing. The national passing rate has been slipping each year and this is probably one of the lowest it has ever been. What does it imply to the rest of the world? Only one thing: we are churning less competent nurses. Because of the high demand and the endless sprouting of diploma mill nursing schools, the Philippines is left with half-baked, half-decent student nurses. It's rather ironic. We are the biggest supplier of nurses in the WORLD and yet, as time goes on, our professional "exports" are becoming less and less globally competitive and competent.

I snort whenever I hear nursing students in my college complain how hard nursing is. I find their complaints pathetic. If they already think nursing is hard, they should try engineering, computer science, law or medicine. Nursing isn't even half as bad as they make it appear to be. You hardly do any analysis. Just memorization. And the things you memorize aren't even as many or as intensive as when you take physical therapy or medicine. Nursing isn't taxing mentally, but it is physically demanding, as duties and requirements take long hours. But hey, almost all college courses make you study until the wee hours of the morning anyway. I honestly believe that many student nurses out there are not suitable nurses. I'm not saying that I am better than them, but they hardly put any effort in their studies nor do they even bother doing extra effort caring for their patients. No wonder the nursing quality in the Philippines is on the decline. So many people are taking it and yet they aren't truly meant for the said profession.

Whatever. It's not like it's going to stop hordes of people from taking up nursing anyway. Because for many people, nursing is not about caring for other people anymore. It's about going abroad and earning dollars. We have to be practical. These are hard times after all.

As for me, I'm going to probably spend the next two hours trying to open the website holding the results of NLE June 2007 while amusing myself with The Da Vinci Code on HBO.

Yay for cable!

Under the Weather

We just finished our induction. I got home just half an hour ago and had a slice of pizza and some cold chocolate drink (as if the food in Linmarr wasn't enough already...wah, I'm a glutton).
I feel tired. Honestly, I feel that all my energy has been spent trying to stay cheerful and energetic during the seminar workshop / induction thingie. Being EIC is hard work. *sigh*
Maybe it had something to do with Roh and Jinx leaving early because of some unknown reason or maybe due to the fact that Franz bailed on me druing the closing remarks. I don't know. Maybe it was both. Geez, it's frustrating that the things that are currently getting me down are the staffers who already graduated.

Allow me to rant (it's not like anyone's going to read this or anything). I simply don't understand why Roh and Jinx just left like that. It seemed like they were mad at me. Maybe I'm overthinking this. They could just have another appointment scheduled somewhere else but Meloi, Victor and Aela had told me Roh seemed quite cross that we had done the oath-taking ceremony so soon. They explained that supposed to be, Roh's father would come to watch his daughter deliver a speech during the induction/oath taking part of the activity. It could not be helped really why the oath-taking thing was done far earlier than expected. We (meaning the entire Clarion possie) had arrived late due to a series of mishaps involving miscommunication (or the entire lack of it in my case since I lost my cell phone), missing nametags, unexpected changes in the programme and the long time it took to get a jeep. Honestly, if given the opportunity, we would have followed the schedule and had the oath-taking/induction thing at the end of the programme where it belonged, but since our speaker in electronic layouting was having some technical difficulties with their computer and the speaker in contemporary newswriting wasn't arriving until much later, we really didn't have much of a choice. An empty stage was not appropriate so we had to move the induction thing earlier. If Roh was angry about that, she was being unreasonable. She was Clarion EIC before me and she knew and experienced most of the problems that comes with seminar workshops. If she was angry that she could not make her speech without her father at the audience, then she should not take that against us. She did not inform us earlier that her father was coming, and in addition, she had all the opportunity to let her father watch/listen to her speeches in all the seminar workshops done during her term as EIC.

In Franz's case, I was simply fuming internally when he suddenly disappeared when it was time to give the closing remarks. He had agreed to do it after we made a deal that he do a small speech/critiquing, and in return, I'll make him a design for something in Photoshop. What I hate the most is people bailing out on the last minute after they have already committed. It's annoying to expect but get stood up in the end. If we had other officials from the school besides Ma'am Jovy, our moderator, we wouldn't be asking Franz to do the closing remarks. I didn't want to do it anymore because it was starting to get embarrasing and pathetic as I've been trudging up and down the stage for like four or five times already, doing some of the stuff and speeches I shouldn't be doing because of the absence of some school officials in our activity. When Franz came back, grinning, I came over to him and told him with a pout that I hated him for bailing out at the last minute. He explained he had to answer a call. Whatever. How convenient that the call came when it was his turn to do closing remarks. I wanted to punch him, and I did actually (but only lightly) at the shoulder. The thing is that when I'm angry, it's not always obvious that I am, and it sometimes looks like I'm just lightly scolding / telling someone off. *sigh* Franz is still the same. He may have gained some weight over the months, but he still is the same old Franz.